Small & Big

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." —Woody Allen ( website ) Woody's joke makes the collection because it's the kind of thing people can say. And they're serious. Stuff like, "Kathy is always a mean controlling individual. And I know so because we've been friends since childhood." and "The vacation time at work is nonexistent. Luckily the pay's so bad I can't afford sick days." There comes a time to get moving, no matter how enjoyable it is to complain. This joke shimmies up to my moralistic side, pinches its rosy red cheek, and whispers a helpful reminder to move along. Go on, there's nothing to see here kid. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

My first attempt at a weekly illustration assignment from Illustration Friday ( IF website ). The assigment is to illustrate “Red”. To really make a color stand out it’s good to use its opposite, in this case green. By the next illustration I hope to have it together enough to add some humor. On purpose.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. —Jack Handy ( website ) I always leave room for optimism in my joke collection. That Jack Handy is a story teller with a gift for exquisite commas. His advice turns a nightmare into a win-win situation. You fall, you're saved, your rescuer gets a prize. Potential fallers out there: the key is to stay calm, think lightweight, and steer towards the open window. Also, look expensive. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live. —1970's birthday card Funny how certain things will stick with you your entire life. First came across this hopeful, scientifically correct statement during the 1970's in an "adult" birthday card. Amidst other cards illustrated with buxom young women and fat hairy old men, one showed a lone guru standing atop a jagged mountain peak proclaiming this profound birthday statement. A sparkley treasure buried in cartoon dirt. Being under 10-years old I lacked the financial wherewithal to afford the $0.55 and Mom wouldn't provide a low interest loan. For all I know the card may still be in that small-town Michigan grocery store—but its message is with me. At every opportunity I spout off the words as my own. Even blogged 'em ( So Today's Your Birthday ). Author, if you're still having birthdays I'd like to send you 55 cents. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing. Late B...

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. —Roseanne Barr ( her blog ) Alas, humanity still anxiously awaits the perfection of the all-terrain riding vacuum cleaner. This joke is about opposites: housework versus yardwork, indoors versus out, traditional female versus male roles, clean versus dirty, drudgery versus dominion, walking versus riding. It's about honesty, laziness, science, the working class, saleability, and dreams. Glorious dreams. Dreams that sweep me off my feet. That's why this joke here is in the collection. We're eloping. We're riding off into the squeaky clean sunset on a motorized marvel with the Sears logo. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

You open the box containing your new computer to find it ensconced in the usual squeaky syrofoam and plastic anti-static bags. While removing your precious items you see that the manufacturer has included a clever symbol to protect your personal safety and/or make you laugh. It would make a great tattoo. It helpfully tells you: Do not cough here. Help! My head is stuck in the television. Eating too many marshmallows will make you sick. Don’t drink while wearing your space helmet.

"I lost a buttonhole." —Steven Wright ( website ) "Sew what?" This joke is swaddled in my collection because I first heard it as a teenanger and loved the imaginative concept of a common buttonhole altering my concept of reality. Misplacing a hole? The smallest thing I've lost is a teensy clear rhinestone from my Barbie doll necklace. That and my dignity. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.