Small & Big

I can‘t decide. Which is a better profile pic on Tinder? Me as the madam of an 1800s Gold Rush town or me standing behind you at the bank thinking about cutting my toenails later? Choice A) Madam of an 1800s Gold Rush town Choice B) Me standing behind you at the bank thinking about cutting my toenails later Vote by commenting.

A: Scary signs like this: To feel better I told myself it’s a man wearing his favorite 4th of July hat, the one with fireworks. Another correct answer would probably be: A: Lawyers.

A: Amanda McKittrick Ros (1860-1939), Victorian scribbler and the most awful writer in the English language. (Also reputed to admire her works were Mark Twain and Aldous Huxley.) Lewis’s literary group, which included J.R.R. Tolkien, held competitions to see who could read her work aloud the longest, with a straight face. According to Nick Page , author of In Search of the World’s Worst Writers , her second novel Delina Delaney “begins with possibly the most baffling opening sentence in any literature”: “Have you ever visited that portion of Erin’s plot that offers its sympathetic soil for the minute survey and scrutinous examination of those in political power, whose decision has wisely been the means before now of converting the stern and prejudiced, and reaching the hand of slight aid to share its strength in augmenting its agricultural richness?” Amanda McKittrick Ros specialized in romance novels, with plenty of trembling bosoms, longing ...

“It handles like a Corvette. It pulls a corner that will blow your mind.” —David Hamilton, Vice President of Tomberlin Group, on his company’s $8,000 electric car, the Anvil, which has a top speed of 25 miles an hour

Pet care for the cat and dog while you’re away Renting a place for you, the human, to sleep while in Ireland Taking vacation time off, unpaid Repairing your pick-up, which breaks down the week before Parking your pick-up near Boston Logan airport, to just sit there the entire time, plus buying a TomTom map of Ireland, except they don’t sell a map of Ireland so you gotta buy the entire Great Britain map to get at Ireland Renting the smallest car found in Ireland, essentially a motorcycle with a hood up top, plus car insurance because it’s not covered by U.S. auto insurance and no one can satisfactorily explain why (are sheep driving while texting?) Buying any amount of euros with U.S. dollars Vacationing with someone who complains non-stop about how expensive everything is All of the above For the correct answer see the comments below. (Leprechaun dude from this Wikipedia page and awesome usage rights to go with him from copyleft_attitude .)

A: Some of the free crap on Craigslist. Go to Item Not As Described and see what I mean. I suppose there are many correct answers to this question, like, Eating your morning Corn Flakes then finding out your little brother’s scab collection is missing, but I’m going with my heart on this one.

Is the logo above good or bad? You decide. Discussion topics: Nothing says hemorrhoid like a volcano-tsunami. But what other large-scale Earth events might the illustrator consider and why? One can sing so loud that hemorrhoids pop out. It’s in the movie “Anvil! The Story of Anvil.” Hemorrhoid Helper has little in common with Hamburger Helper. How are they different? Similar? How could co-branding them create market synergy? Aunty Henrietta’s been busy: she’s got a website and blog too.

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Someone got to this here blog after typing a question into Ask.com. Theirs is a cute, thought-provoking question and, since I respond to my readers with compassion and honesty, it is my privilege to answer it straight out: Q: How big are houseflies? A: My fingernail is the size of a cow. You see, houseflies are both small, and big. They seem small, the size of a fingernail, but when you slowly sneak your eye in real close to observe one cleaning her face with her teensy hands, they look big. Cow size, with a cute fuzzy behind. So, the long answer is that houseflies are the size of the nail on my index finger and also of a cow. Using a variant of Pythagoras’s Theorem, a 2 + b 2 = c 2 , we arrive at the final answer. You could see a different viewpoint at Wisegeek.com , but why? See also: Why I Hate Flies | Fly image from GNU

“Obama would be the better Bond because—if he’s true to his word—he’d be willing to quite literally look the enemy in the eye and go toe-to-toe with them. McCain, because of his long service and experience, would probably be a better M.” M is Bond’s boss, often played by actress Judy Dench. The original secret agent and International Man of Mystery adds, “There is, come to think of it, a kind of Judi Dench quality to McCain.” Source: Parade magazine

☐ I don’t own my own home, but I do have my health. ☐ I own one home outright. (Mortgages are for the poor.) ☐ I own one really, really large home. I have a lot of stuff      to go with the weight gain. ☐ Let’s see, there’s the weekend house, the Monday      house, the third Thursday of every month house,      the antique hand-hewn house, the hermitage, the      slummin’-it house, the Big House, the commissioned      brutalist house... ☐ How many homes do I own? Let me have my secretary      get back to you. (Lest we forget, any home with a mortgage is owned by the bank.)

☐ Donating Kidney ☐ Perfecting Operatic-Yet-Warbling-Yet-Magnetic Mating Call ☐ Scrubbing Behind Ears ☐ Invisible, Sneaking Around ☐ Kangaroo Boxing

☐ Fishing For Compliments ☐ At 6am, Watching Red Sox’s Opening Game In Tokyo (At Local Bahston Bah*) ☐ 307 lbs (139.252 kgs) ☐ Pondering Pantaloons ☐ Cookies * That’s “Boston Bar.”

It is time for change. What's the biggest amount you’ve pooped out? ☐ Lincoln penny ☐ Canadian nickel ☐ 1894 Liberty head dime ☐ Sacagawea dollar ☐ Franklin Mint special edition York Peppermint Pattie ☐ President