Small & Big

Dogs get all excited when we come back in the house, it doesn’t matter if we’ve been gone three weeks or three minutes. Some scientists see this as evidence that dogs (heh heh, first I typed it “dongs”) cannot distinguish the passage of time, that neither Mr. Wigglebutts III or Miss Poppy doesn’t notice the difference between three minutes and three hours. Hogwash. The real reason is dogs are happy to see their people. Happiness, pure and simple. How do I know? Your dog told me.

Each player acts as their own team; i.e. three players equals three teams. Ball gnawing is encouraged. Football must be transported by mouth ONLY. Transportation of ball by mouth with other players attached is permitted, so long as others are also attached, by mouth, to ball. Should ball roll into a hole, anything goes; i.e., head bonkings. If a player stands upon football, no other player may touch it EVER OR ELSE. Any player wearing a leash may clothesline all players, including self. Players signal a Personal Time Out by laying down and end it by getting up. Number of Time Outs is limited to infinite. Players may draft sticks into play, like in pinball where extra balls come on the field for no reason. Game ends when players notice a squirrel or bird and run off.

What You Need For This Project 1 Broom 1 Dustpan 1 Floor Directions Using the broom, sweep dust, dirt, and debris into a pile. The tidier and more perfect the pile, the better. In fact, go ahead and thoroughly sweep your entire living space. Does the tidiness make your heart sing? Perfect. Wait 30 seconds. From out of nowhere a curious puppy appears, sniffing the pile. Before you can say “Oh no!,“ they are sitting on it, licking it, rolling in it, throwing it, just whooping it up. Your living space is ruined! Make a grab. With a forward motion of your arm like you’re scooping a puppy into a dustpan, scoop the puppy into the dustpan. Congratulations on your new puppy. You should probably move. Note Also works on kittens.

  Astronaut or space alien?   A little of both. This is Doppler, one of my dogs when he was a pup. He got dried tongue licks around the entire inside perimeter of his plastic cone. Scientists are still studying how this is possible.

But that's nothing compared to what Simon's cat accomplishes... I love everything about Simon Tofield's Simon's Cat cartoon animations: the writing, the sound effects, and especially that they're drawn in simple black-and-white outline. You can really see how a simple, well drawn line, moving through time, can express mass and volume. So well done. Watch more adorable feline atrocities committed by Simon's cat at www.simonscat.com and on YouTube at www.youtube.com/simonscat .

When I was 12 years old my horse had a stroke and had to be put down. It was a warm, green, summer morning. I looked out the kitchen window at his body, lifeless and lying in the corral. Over in the barn there was movement and I saw Socks, the white-footed tabby and matriarch of the barn cats, walk out of the barn and towards the body, followed by a single-file line of the other dozen-or-so kittens and cats. From inside the house I thought, “Oh no, they’re going to eat him.” When the slow parade reached the body, the cats sat down about two feet away, in a long, evenly spaced arc, smelling and looking. After some time had passed, Socks stood up, turned around and walked back to the barn, followed in orderly procession by the others. Even 30 years later I am touched by this memory. This horse (Bourbon Jim was his name) had been a huge high-strung Thoroughbred, but he was gentle and considerate with the cats. Once when I came home from school I found three kittens on his back. I coul...

It took another full day to get the eyes on.

For over 10 years there were only three items on Earth that my dog Godzilla (above) would not define as food. ( Details here. ) Hark! I have discovered a fourth! The item is... drum roll... marshmallows . I know what you’re screaming, “Marshmallows?! How is that possible?” I know. But she won’t even touch the natural kind, the one that lists fish as an ingredient (fish?). She will, however, eat styrofoam peanuts. And week-old fish carcasses off hot sand beaches. Dogs are weird.

My cartoon for the June issue of the Pet Gazette . Last month’s cartoon, Romancing the Garbage , didn’t print in the newspaper as well as could be, so this time I went with a pure black-and-white line drawing, and with three panels instead of six. I’m still trying to find my style. Ack, I have a pimple in my ear. Why do I have a pimple in my ear? Pineapple Pete started out as a cat (it’s one of 100 nicknames I call my kitty), but the peanut gallery thought a goldfish was funnier. I was also contemplating a ferret but I’ve never lived with a ferret. I’ve never had that special connection of being owned by a furry snake with legs. (A shout out to all the pet dogs, cats, horses, parakeets, hamsters, bunnies, honey bees, chickens, chameleons, guppies, goldfish, sunfish, snakes, turtles, hermit crabs, Sea Monkeys, and rocks in my past! Sorry if I missed anyone. There are only so many letters in the alphabet.)

This is where Zilla Dog takes me on my morning walk. I would say more but, well... the sign.

I’m no Miss Marple but I think I can solve the mystery of A Secret In The Litter Box : See those two kitties on the left there? They (spoiler alert!) deposited solid and liquid “secrets” in the box of litter and attempted to cover it up. And it definitely started before 1974. All over the United States. Case closed.

Go ahead, ask him, “Why do cats do that?” This is the Rare-Books cat who lives in Plymouth, MA. If your doggie is on the sidewalk in front of his store he’ll come out and chase it to the opposite sidewalk. He’s old-school prejudiced like that.

Where are they now? Tell me. They’re magically delicious. (Looking down at furry feets.) Oh right, yes, I am a dog. Everything is magically delicious. Nom nom. (Eating of pointy shoes.) Photo from Two Barking Dogs . Arf arf!

This is from 2008 when I bought three young chicken hens at auction, two of which turned into roosters just three months later. No, I didn’t buy the turkey too; the turkey head was attached to a turkey body and what do you do with a waist-high bird?

Which did come first, the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road? SOMEbody knows.

I'm on vaycayshun. See you after I get back. In the meantime, talking animals:

...and his killer 37-second scream. If you’re watching from work, turn the sound down low or it’ll scramble your eggs.

Once, when my spouse came home, I told him about the disgusting litter-encrusted turd the dog ate today. He was silent a good long time, staring at me. Finally he asked, “What are you EATING?” I looked. I was munching on one of those oatmeal-encrusted date bars like what you get at the health food store. If you know the stuff, you know what it looks exactly like, this: A moment on the lip, of kissing there is zip. Image from Organic Road . They look to sell lots of yummy stuff there in Australia.

A freebie for those of you living with feline catty kits. Click for the full story.