Turn A Stupid Idea Into A Successful Humor Book [video]

This is great. Humor writer and author Tim Bete presents: How I converted 7,000 hours of work into $10 hard cash and then turned a single stupid idea into $37,000. He discuses publishing, editors, ideas... helpful stuff for any writer. He presented at the 2012 Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop. Runs 58 minutes. Warning: Enjoy!

Rules Of Football*

1. Ball gnawing encouraged.
2. If football rolls into a hole, anything goes; i.e., head bonkings.
3. Should a player stand upon football, no other player may touch it EVER. (Until football standing terminates.)
4. Transport football via mouth ONLY.
5. Picking up the player transporting football via mouth is permitted.
6. Batting football back and forth between forelimbs is encouraged (extra points for blurring).
7. Each player acts as their own team; i.e. three players equals three teams.
8. Any player wearing leash shall clothesline all players, including self.
9. Players signal a Personal Time Out by either lying down or laying down (both are permitted) and end by getting up.
10. Number of Time Outs limited to infinite.
11. Overly excited/bored players may draft sticks into play, like in pinball where you get extra balls but don't know why.
12. No back biting (includes tail).
13. Game ends when players notice a squirrel, butterfly, or other.

* Dog Football

Help A Teenage Michael Jackson Impersonator (Keith Knight)

Update: He did it! Keith Knight got funded for his Michael Jackson project, with the help of good people like you. In fact, on April 6, 2012 he exceeded his $40K goal.

I've long appreciated Keith Knight. He's the man behind one of my favorite cartoons, Life's Little Victories. Keef is giving away three old illustration sketchbooks, he will draw you into an upcoming published cartoon, he will come to your town and present his famous slideshow (I have seen it, it is great) and cartooning workshop, he will lip sync a Michael Jackson song in your living room — all because he was a teenage Michael Jackson impersonator, and he wants, no, NEEDS to share this story with the world. Pledge to support him in this 2-year endeavor the whole world needs right now, laughter, and in return he'll give supportors cool stuff like the above and more. For as little as $5! Check out the details of his project over at Kickstarter and the related news story at USA Today.

Hurry! This chance ends at 3 pm on April 6, 2012.

More Keith: The K Chronicles, Knight Life, Cartoonist Survey #251

How To Attract A Puppy

What You Need For This Project
1 Broom
1 Dustpan
1 Floor

Directions

1. Using the broom, sweep dirt and debris into a pile in the middlest part of the room. The tidier and more perfecter the better. Do your tidy dust collection and tidy floor make your heart sing? Perfect. 
2. Wait 30 seconds (in high altitude, allow up to three minutes). From out of nowhere, mammalian fauna comes sniffing at the dust pile; ooh, now they are sitting in it, licking it, rolling in it, spreading it asunder, really whoopin’ it up.
3. Make a grab! With a forward motion of your arm like you’re scooping a puppy into a dustpan, scoop the puppy into the dustpan.
4. Enjoy!

Note

Also works on kittens.

Tongue Chair

Astronaut

Doppler, Astropup and Chief Eating Officer

Top 10 Kindness Stories Of The Year

Look for kindness, for love, for hope and joy and you will find them. Here are five stories to keep you in the mood, from HelpOthers.org:

• Today You, Tomorrow Me
• Flowers That She Couldn't Smell
• Home Is Where The Heart Is, Even For The Homeless
• Remembering Kindness 41 Years Later
• A Beautiful Act Of Pay-It-Forward

You can read all ten stories of 2011 kindnesses at Top 10 Kindness Stories of 2011.

Do you have a kind act you've performed, experienced, or even heard of? Please share it. Tell HelpOther.org about it here.

Here's to twelve months of kindness in 2012!

One Christmas Day My Cat Knocked The Tree Down Three Times [video]

But that's nothing compared to what Simon's cat accomplishes...




I love everything about Simon Tofield's Simon's Cat cartoon animations: the writing, the sound effects, and especially that they're drawn in simple black-and-white outline. You can really see how a simple, well drawn line, moving through time, can express mass and volume. So well done. Watch more adorable feline atrocities committed by Simon's cat at www.simonscat.com and on YouTube at www.youtube.com/simonscat.

The Tantrum [video]

"I can't let (my parents) know I have super powers. They'd only worry."

This is the first cartoon my pal John Fountain did. It's called The Tantrum and it aired on Nickelodeon at like 3 am on a Sunday at the dawn of the 21st Century. It is autobiographical. This is the first time I've seen it because SOME people don't tell some other people stuff. As far as I know it is the only instance of Putting Out Fire By Giving It The Raspberry. A pity. (If the military jumps on it they'd call it POFBGITR. That's pronounced "PUFF-bah-giter" and help generals say "puff" more.)

Without further a-doo-doo here's The Tantrum:

Also, Fountain's better half has a good blog called To Kid or Not To Kid. Will she or won't she kid herself? Go there and peek.

Comedian Stephen Fry's Idea Of Greatness [video]

Truly great people help others to feel great too.

Socks And Bourbon

When I was 12 years old my horse had a stroke and had to be put down. It was a warm, green, summer morning. I looked out the kitchen window at his body, lifeless and lying in the corral. Over in the barn there was movement and I saw Socks, the white-footed tabby and matriarch of the barn cats, walk out of the barn and towards the body, followed by a single-file line of the other dozen-or-so kittens and cats. From inside the house I thought, “Oh no, they’re going to eat him.” When the slow parade reached the body, the cats sat down about two feet away, in a long, evenly spaced arc, smelling and looking. After some time had passed, Socks stood up, turned around and walked back to the barn, followed in orderly procession by the others.

Even 30 years later I am touched by this memory.

This horse (Bourbon Jim was his name) had been a huge high-strung Thoroughbred, but he was gentle and considerate with the cats. Once when I came home from school I found three kittens on his back. I couldn’t figure how they got up there. This kept happening until one day I saw: The little kitties, with their little needle claws, were climbing up his front legs and up over his sides to sit atop his back. Bourbon didn’t even flinch.


These are mine, but you can read Marc Mekoff’s stories at Emotional Lives of Animals over there at Daily Good.

Fly Hot Plate

Yoga For Yanks [video]

Weigh The Pros And Cons First

How To Increase The Bond With Your Cat

Cartoonist Liza Donnelly Gives A TED [video]

You can catch Liza's thoughts about preparing for the talk at lizadonnelly.com/archives/video-of-my-ted-talk.

Sweet Valentine Inkin' Cartoon [video]

Mike Cope inking his Valentine cartoon, which appears in this month's issue of Reader's Digest Canada, to a great score by Glenn Miller and his Orchestra. (Now that's music!) Happy heart day to you. More Mike at Copetoons.com.

Time For Your...

The Best Advice You'll Read Today

"If you could give one piece of advice to someone who wants to pursue drawing as a career what would it be?"

David of David Wasting Paper (he doesn't) posed that question to over 200 well-known-and-famous-even cartoonists, then narrowed the very best answers down to 15 cartoonists. It's useful advice for anyone interested in creativity, gainful employment, or following their dream. That's you, and you're going to want to read this even if you're not interested in being a professional cartoonist yourself. Click here to read The Best Pieces Of Advice To Someone Who Wants To Pursue Drawing As A Career.

David's blog is at David Wasting Paper.

Also, don't think you can draw? Ha! You're oh-so-mistaken. Read this.

Happy 2011

This is my January cartoon, published in the Pet Gazette. Best to you and yours in 2011. May it be your best year yet, and may you follow me on Twitter.

What's So Funny?: Cartoon Humor Opinions

Having cartoonist pals give you the straight dope is an invaluable way to increase your humor-to-drawing ratio. For me, it allows me to fix stuff before anyone important sees it, like you. My ladybug Santa cartoon was interesting. I drew two versions — one with a ladybug-Santa face and armsies the other where he's a dot and a hat — and sent them out for feedback. Most of the crew picked the bigger one so that's the one that ran. But I liked Dot Hat Santa best. (Maybe I should have just made his hat life-size?) Here they are for comparison. I'm curious, which do you think is funnier? And why? Please let me know by using the comments link below. Thanks, Sugarplum.

-- versus --

Two Sets Of Christmas Twins

Two items very popular this time of year, only from Small & Big:

• Separated at birth? Yukon Cornelius and Kevin Youkilis
• Separated at birth? Mr. Potter and Dick Cheney

Happy holidays.

Department Store Santa

Here’s my December cartoon for the Pet Gazette. Happy holidays to you, whatever you celebrate, for Ladybug Santa visits everyone. Eventually. Given the proper clime and foliage.

There's Less Than 2 Weeks For You To Enter

An entire year's subscription to Funny Times magazine? This giveaway is worth over 2,500 pennies. 2,500! What am I, crazy? For you. Click here for details. Now back to our regularly scheduled program: Ugly Pile of Mushrooms.

Foods That Sound Funny But Are Serious

1. Ham
2. Hillbilly Bread With Oleo
3. Potato
4. Gifiltifish
5. Hot Nacho
6. Anything Named With "Surprise"

Gravy Boat Lighthouse [video]

This invention is a really big help for a very, very, very, very small percentage of Americans. Perfect for family get-togethers. From Conan O'Brien.

Happy Thanksgiving

A special shout-out to awesome cartoonist and illustrator Chris Sabatino for the idear, as they say in Boston. Check out Chris's blog here and a selection of his h-i-larious books below, for the young and the young-at-heart (that's you!).

Win A Free "Funny Times" Subscription

Is there any more beautiful word in the English language than "free"? Enter my contest and you could yuck it up 12 times a year with a FREE 1-year subscription (a $25 value) to the cartoon- and humor-filled Funny Times newspaper (funnytimes.com). After you've gotten your chuckles galore this newspaper can be used for absorbing puppy piddle and for sending flies on to their next life. Also counts as "brown" in your composter.

CONTEST RULES: You must have a U.S. mailing address (I cannot send the subscription overseas because I am a cheapskate). You must be able to post stuff to a blog or website. You must have no superhuman powers because that's cheating.

This contest puts the "test" in "contest", especially since I don't know most of the answers. Ready? Here goes. Please answer each of the following:

1. What body part is required when measuring one's wrist?
2. What is Small & Big's preferred eating utensil?
3. Is "O" a letter, a hug, or a kiss?
4. Complete this sentence: Stephen Colbert is to hairless Sphynx cat as peanut butter is to ______.
5. How many fingers am I holding up?

And now for the optional extra credit portion which doubles your chance of winning:

6. Write a 6-word essay on turtles.

Now for the instructions.

CONTEST INSTRUCTIONS: 1) Post your answers on your site; include a blurb about Small & Big (for or against); include a link to Small & Big's home page at http://smallandbig.blogspot.com. 3) Come back here (to http://smallandbig.blogspot.com/2010/11/win-free-funny-times-subscription.html) and use the comments to tell me you did that and also to give me the direct link to the answers on your site or blog.

One winner will be chosen at random from all complete entries. I hope it's you. If you win I'll contact you to get your U.S. mailing address. (BUT, do not give personal contact information in your comment unless you're okay with it being public news. Instead, let me track you down through contact info listed on your site.) Correctly answer the extra credit portion and your chance of winning doubles. Make me laugh and it triples. Contest ends December 15th, 2010. Good luck.

Rules subject to change by whim, but the contest and prize are for real.

Home For The Holiday

Here’s my November cartoon for the Pet Gazette. Here's another. Happy Thanksgiving. May your zipper remain strong and your buttons intact.

I Solve All The Non-Voting Problems

Click here for the solution. You're welcome.

Here's Why The Weird Recorded Message

In case you call me, here's why you hear what you hear. If you solve the mystery without using witchcraft I will give you a nickel.

(And yes, those who accidentally (or whatever) call me asking for prayers get prayed for.)

Some Caricatures I Drew On Sunday

Well, more of illustrations than caricatures really. But it's my style and it's fun to draw. This was my first solo caricaturing event, and the first time I drew two people on one paper. (A: Yes, drawing two people is 250% more difficult than drawing one.) I drew 30 kids or more at the Decibels event. As usual, the kids were sweet and adorable and patient and greatly costumed. Here are snapshots of some caricatures.

Two sisters, one a wee baby in a carriage

Two movie-star looking tween-teen girls

A ginghamed sister and
her brother dressed as Thomas the Tank Engine
This was kinda a threefer. I never thought of Thomas as creepy until I drew him.
Thomas, you're creepy.

I put the girl dressed as an iPod in the iPod
And added an app that stretches out the ear.

Two disabled children in wheelchairs
The boy had the most beautiful eyes, with long, long lashes. But if I had put them in he woulda looked girly so I left them out, except in my mind. What was wonderful is when I showed the kids their drawings, they both stopped thrashing about and just stared and stared at their likenesses. That was the best.

Two very earnest, very young veterinarians
We had a refreshing conversation on animals.

I was also privileged to draw the winner of the donut-eating contest. She was about six-years old and shared with me her secret: eat them in four bites.

Phone Lending

A certain percentage of mortgages happen because customers think they've called Girls Gone Wild. Because when I called my lender's toll-free number, I misdialed and that's what I got. Princess, my rep, helpfully let me know that, should I qualify, the $300,000 charge on my credit card would come with a 30-year repayment option. That seemed excessive for a DVD, but it was Buy One Get One Free.

Sure, it starts with a free phone call; but it ends with two mortgages.