Small & Big

(Follow up to: How to use a chainsaw to get a chainsaw out of a tree. ) When at the chainsaw rental store, under no circumstance inform them why you desperately need one. Evade all questioning. I’m not instructing you to lie, mind you, but when cornered offer vagueness like, “Oh, you know, it’s for a tree.” What you do not say is that you’ll be using their dangerous handheld cutting weapon to get out another dangerous handheld cutting weapon you got stuck in a cherry tree. This would only cause them to label you an insurance risk, refuse to rent you a saw, and laugh so hard their teeth fall out. They will also get on the loud speaker to announce your predicament to other patrons, all of whom are expert tree cutter-downers because, after all, this is a chainsaw rental store.

Someone got to this here blog after typing a question into Ask.com. Theirs is a cute, thought-provoking question and, since I respond to my readers with compassion and honesty, it is my privilege to answer it straight out: Q: How big are houseflies? A: My fingernail is the size of a cow. You see, houseflies are both small, and big. They seem small, the size of a fingernail, but when you slowly sneak your eye in real close to observe one cleaning her face with her teensy hands, they look big. Cow size, with a cute fuzzy behind. So, the long answer is that houseflies are the size of the nail on my index finger and also of a cow. Using a variant of Pythagoras’s Theorem, a 2 + b 2 = c 2 , we arrive at the final answer. You could see a different viewpoint at Wisegeek.com , but why? See also: Why I Hate Flies | Fly image from GNU

The heads were switched at birth.

CONVENIENCE WHY IT’D BE ILLEGAL TO INVENT TODAY Gun “I have an idea for causing bodily harm and/or death. With a fancy display case, I can sell it at Wal-Mart.” Whoop, whoop, safety alert! Suction Cup Bow & Arrow While good for hand-eye coordination, paired with hip boots and a kerchief it’s a serious fashion faux pas . Food Leads to a dangerous pastime called obesity. Chainsaw Its high school class voted the motorized rotating chain of ripping metal Most Likely To Partially Remove Limbs And Leave Them Dangling. Bowling Ball Too heavy, rollie, communal finger-hole filth. Water Didn’t the Roman empire end because of lead in the drinking water? This is also probably behind the Italians inventing pizza, dangerous pizza (see above). Parrots As Pets That sharp beak, your eye. There’s a reason pirates wore eye patches. Semicolon Confusing; vicious. Motorcycle When balancing your soft carcass atop a two-wheeled engine rolling along at 80 mph, why bother with the helmet? (Note: This might

BOSTON, Massachusetts | A woman gave birth Monday to a healthy 6 pound, 6 ounce baby octopus, doctors said. The mother gave birth to a bottom-living cephalopod of the species Octopus mercatoris , doctors at Beth-Israel Deaconess Hospital reported. Hospital staff had expected to deliver a human boy and were surprised to discover eight tentacles and three hearts. “My eyes were wide,” Dr. Susan Maple said, explaining her reaction to the birth. “For an invertebrate he’s large. But cute as the dickens.” Hospital officials would not release any information about the mother, or whether she used IVF or fertility drugs. It was an underwater birth.

What you will need for this project: 1) Tree 2) Chainsaw 3) Chainsaw Turn on chainsaw and insert into tree. On the side of the trunk you want to fall face down, use two deft cuts to remove a V-shaped section of wood. Move to opposite side of trunk and slice one felling cut all the way through, towards the V. Yell “timber!” and monitor the situation by visually tracking the trajectory of the falling tree... which is travelling in the opposite direction. Look out! Fortunately, the keeling-over-backwards causes the tree to catch on another tree, boulder, and/or house. Look at it hung up there at a 45° angle! Ha hah! Try again. Saw into the trunk, anywhere. Within seconds the tree shifts, the slice closes tight, and your chainsaw is stuck. Nice job! This is where you want to be. Turn off chainsaw. Use a long sturdy post as a lever to prop up the tree, open the cut, and get the saw loosened. This won’t work but try it anyway. Then use a handsaw, then a sledgehammer and wedge. In between str

There.

“Clickest not,” Google sayeth again and against. “For to click an advertising link on thine own Blogger blog would be a most heinous, treacherous untruth, great and sobering.” And I lookest upon the decorous link for “Cartoon Animals” and the comely “Dog Leg Problem Remedy” and, with a great sighing, I say, “I do not, Sirs and Madams Google. Nay, I do not click. For I have signed with my penmanship hand a legal document agreeing thusly.” So I type this unto you: Will thouest not click in my stead, so that in the year of our Lord 2025 I may behold a $100 payment of advertising revenue? Thankest thee. Above: Typical advertisement witnessed on the Small & Big blog, for Excelsior Statuary Bust Washers & Laborers, Inc. Well no, the illustration is actually from Bret Harte’s book, “Excelsior.” This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License

Fun with the free online Babel Fish translator . Here’s what happens when you use Babel Fish to translate and retranslate stuff. It’s from my old posting, Hot Tofu Pups . ORIGINAL ENGLISH Hot Tofu Dogs You ever try a tofu hot dog? One of the brands is especially yummy because, like, it’s tofu plus smokey taste minus gluten plus a molded hot dog shape. All pluses. Whilst enjoying them you might as well pay attention to the bright sunburst blob on the front of the package that says “RICH in soy protein”. Why yes, yes they are. If you can, try not to eat more than two per sitting. So to speak. THEN INTO JAPANESE & BACK TO ENGLISH The Hot Tofu Dog Is the hot dog of the tofu tried? Because one of the brand, the way, shape and the gluten of the hot dog where that was formed is the taste and the tofu of smokey which is pulled, especially it is tasty. Everything plus. Enjoying those, and while perhaps, you pay attention to the lump of sunburst where the front part of the package which says

A writer, she often doesn’t know the thought in her head or where it’s headed until it stands in this world letter by letter, fleshed into word, grown into sentence, paragraph, and a thoughtful story. Getting what’s in here out there is a physical act, a curious release through fingertips, the wearing down of fingerprints that leaks thought into print. One reason a writer writes is to see herself think. This is write thinking.

    Youk and Yuke . Boston Red Sox and “Rudolf the Red -Nosed Reindeer.” Coinkydink? The proof is in the nose.

From undisclosed location, take photographs of famous personages Photoshop said photos Post photos to high-profile, heavily trafficked blog, or whatever you can get A) Hope, hope, hope! and/or, B) Engage services of witch doctor So you wanna be a wonk, do you? That’s cool, or phat, stupid, ignoramus, or whatever word it is kids use nowadays to denote spiffiness. There is a 100% guarantee* that following the above process will result in your Wonkdom. Case in point: It made me a wonk. Actually, a wonk and a wag. (This is a good thing because how could I choose between wonking and something to do with a dog’s hind end?) You see, I know because it was mentioned in the, ahem, thee Huffington Post . The article is, “ Exit Stage Right: Cheney Wheels Off to Thunderous Applause ” by one Randall Amster, and in said text I am guilty by association. It goes thusly, and I quote verbatem without changing one word, which is not my habitual practice I promise: “True, Cheney’s little wheelchair escap

    Both are a wonderful accompaniment to dinner. And a powerful argument against genetically modified vegetables—who wants to see good musician and actor Union jobs usurped by a member of the cabbage family?

“Constipated today, but had a BM today, small and firm. Ate dry fruit and ‘some PowerBars’ on Sunday and dry candies and nuts, eating grass today.” —Veterinarian’s report on Godzilla Female Manchester Terrier, 16 lbs Angell Memorial Animal Hospital, Boston, MA October 13, 1999 It can be assumed that BM is not an abbreviation for BMW but for Bowel Movement. The tattered copy of the vet’s report goes on to state the happy outcome: one hard fruit pit extracted from Godzilla dog’s hindbutt, done the old-fashioned way, without surgery, but with some coaxing. Godzilla is currently Vice President of External Affairs for this blog.

How good are you at understanding Boston-speak? That good, huh? Try your brain at interpreting this... (Answer below.) “Sully blasted me with an elastic while I was at the bubbler seeing if I couldn’t get the American chop suey off my Compliments. Now I gutta take ’em to the cleansas.” Go ahead. Give it a try. When you’re ready for the answer, read on. Correct interpretation: “Mr. Sullivan hit me in the head with a rubber band while I was at the water fountain seeing if I could get the macaroni with hamburger and tomato sauce off my Girbaud jeans. Now I have to take them to the dry cleaners.” Cheer up, I only knew “elastic” meant rubber band and I’ve lived here over ten years. Boston, the city that doesn’t have milkshakes, only “frappes.” Oh, and the town of Worcester? Pronounced “Woostah.” If you say it like it’s spelled nobody but nobody will know what you’re talking about. I love my state! Er, commonwealth. Thanks to Boston Magazine for this!