Small & Big

Those are wonder drugs that promote “male enhancement.” I like that. I like that it makes better men; better at whatever they can be better at: singing, cooking, vacuuming, surfing, skiing, poetry, buying presents, being peaceful, thoughtful, gentle, being all muscley. Through the wonders of genetic science, something so tailored to each man's needs, wow, it's a miracle. Heck, give them to the females too. Have everybody take them. What? No? It’s a euphemism for “penis hardener”? Oh. That is a disappointment.

I just discovered him. I just enjoyed him. Lord Likely, aristocratic adventurer and gentle-man of action, is an astonishing chap. I’m not sure why, really, as his posts are unfinished. And rather lewd. See for yourself: www.lordlikely.com . Be sure to sign up for his Twitters at twitter.com/lordlikely .

As a fan of Building #19 (motto: Good Stuff Cheap) (and where it helps to believe Cheap Stuff Good), even I had sworn that I would never, ever, ever purchase food there. Ya-uck. Busted up cartons of pie, next to tires and Maxim magazine hair dye. Sure, I’d buy food at Ocean State Job Lot (Peace mango peach passion cereal, $2.50). The Lot is nearly as icky as the #19, but right next door is the name-brand grocery selling the same cereal ($6.50) and so it’s like they’re GIVING me $4 a box. Tonight that all changed. I walked in and the food aisles were GLOWING. They’d been moved to a separate area, well-lit and a good 40 feet from the dusty wool area rugs (no price because I’m allergic). There I was, traipsing under Jerry Ellis’s larger-than-life caricature, my rusty Meijer’s store shopping cart jammed with gluten-free pretzels (Ener-G sesame pretzel rings, $0.39) and orange chocolate chip cookies (Newman’s organic, $1.29). I had to stop twice to tear off the brown tape impeding the

A guy in Tokyo believes he can: he married a video game character. (Go to article.) That Cialis “male enhancement” drug there, it won't help.

Put them on, two legs at a time Refer to them as “leg warmers” Hide shy knees Pretend your legs are locked up and you gotta walk like an upside-down V Patch them, so you can be a clown called Patches Philosophicalize on there being a “pair ” of pants, or worse yet, a “single” “pair” of pants Take them to dinner and a movie Learn the scientific names of all the bones between your ankle and hip in Pig Latin Wear tight ones, stand for 24 hours, win at Touch-A-Car Check out other pants Employ leg hole as hamster/mouse/cricket tunnel Wear them backwards and upside down. What an ugly shirt. Act like you say “trousers” all the time Climb a tree with easy branches (this isn’t funny but it’s fun) Catch a fart Collect pocket lint, insert in belly button Opps, zip up your fly Wonder why it’s called a “fly” Giggle, because underneath these clothes you’re NAKED Walk tall, on stilts Jingle pocket change to Ride of the Valkyries Wonder why kids get big pants to grow into and adul

My favorite starts at the 1:23 minute mark. Heh heh! Is the video more funny or less funny because of star fisherman Bill Dance ’s lack of humor? I saw this posted on Laugh Lines , a New York Times blog that I highly recommend you check out there, Poopy Pants.

If you’re near lovely Cohasset, Massachusetts this SUNday, near Boston’s South Shore, skedaddle your hiney over for an honest-to-goodness cartoon of yourself, drawn by Bill White. Wouldn’t any parent or grandparent love a funny drawing of you for the holidays? Sure! Frame it and it’ll make an affordable, memorable gift. Hot dawg! You might know Bill from his Ren & Stimpy animating stint, or you might know him as a Building 19 cartoonist. Either way, he’s one awesome draw-er. HOLLY-DAYS FAIR at the Our World Children’s Global Discovery Museum 100 Sohier Street Cohasset, MA 12 to 4 P.M. Admission: $5 per person ($20 per family) More details on Bill’s blog here: An Offer You Can’t Refuse

...to screech one’s writing to a halt. That, dear reader, is why I haven't been posting frequently. Sigh. On the up side, spammers have tweaked their email subject headings for the funnier. Today I received a pseudo-Viagra email founded on “weenie” and “oak tree.”

I recently turned 40. As a birthday gift my health care insurer kindly increased my fees $70 a month. Boy, I sure must be valuable! Blue Cross, here’s a thank-you note just for you: Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts, You gave me quite an ego boost there! I discovered that turning 40 increased my value 25%. When I called the Massachusetts government’s Health Connector thing to find out why I was now valued at $xxx a month, on the cheap-o plan, the lady said insurance fees usually increase every five years, for the rest of my life. I said, “That’s crazy.” But I meant “crazy” as in “I’m so honored.” She said, “I know.” So the only way to reduce my value will be death. Or taxes. I forget how that saying goes. (When I was 39 I knew.*) Hey, could you take my temperature, I feel a bit ill? Ha ha! Just kidding!* We both know you don’t provide “actual” health care. Just the illusion of it, wrapped in sparkly red wrapping paper that I say to symbolize black and white insurance f