Small & Big

Concatenation : The state of being linked together as in a chain; also, a highfalutin word containing the word “cat” (Highfalutin: pompous or pretentious. Pompous: grandiloquent; puffed up with vanity. Vanity: a bathroom cabinet in which a sink is mounted. Bathroom: where cat and toilet concatenate.) Does your cat enjoy slurping from the toilet? Jumping through the porcelain seat? Playing with floaty objects d’art? Yeah, mine too. Fortunately, I have a way to prevent that train-wreck-of-horror because, Hey, the invention of the toilet seat isn’t enough: seat lids require a down-ness that doesn’t happen naturally. So , I propose that you tape up my sign to remind the two-leggeds in your home to downify the seat. Directions: 1) Click the picture here for a bigger image, 2) print it out, and 3) firmly affix it near the bathroom potty. In a pinch it doubles as an educative crayon coloring venture.

Weird story short: This spring a stranger sits down next to me and says that writing is my gift in this lifetime, followed by, “I don’t know why I say that.” We have a chuckle, we chat, we part. Latent writing ability? Psychic woo-woo? I don’t know. Despite my intentions, I feel more and more joyful. At home I open my drawing book and write a haiku. Just like that. No effort. Three days later I find myself accidentally submitting it to a newspaper that accidentally buys it and accidentally publishes it. ( It's this one. ) You can imagine what goes through my head—I’m magical!—and the three-step ditty that follows: write, submit, reject. Thus began my blogging, the new world’s oldest profession. Knowing that seven people read Small and Big is enough. (You are my favorite, o' course.) Thanks for reading!

This morning I awoke to a magical case of chapped lips. Where do chapped lips come from? When the Sandman drops a dollop of sleep into my eyes at night does he make extra time to scuff up my lips? Using a course 50-grit grade sandpaper would do the trick. With a name like Sandman, he's suspect. Or maybe Orphy the cat has been affectionately licking them at night ( blog about Orphy ). Who knows what's on his schedule whilst I sleep—once I awoke with him licking my underarm. That rough pink tongue is finely evolved for enthusiastically cleaning out ice cream bowls, hunting tuna fish on the kitchen floor, and cleaning meat from a freshly killed carcass. I admit that I do lick my lips as I try using my noggin. (Facilitates the process.) Could chapped lips be evidence that I think too much? Hmmm. Have to think on that. Whatever the cause, I smeared olive oil on my pucker. It works well and it's free when it's setting on the kitchen counter. With chapped lips, the key is to p

Stephen Colbert quickly smoothes his perfect American eyebrows. Tonight’s yellow tie and gray Brooks Brothers suit lend a Swiss flair to an interview of international importance. The Colbert Report’s star news anchor impatiently tap-tap-taps his elegant fingers. Beneath the scorching spotlights—although the producer insists it is impossible—Stephen smells burning hair. His precious hair. He checks his Rolex. “I’m a molten hot magma of truth, ready to spew down America’s sainted mountain,” he huffs, shuffling interview cards. Blue cards remind the live audience that a Man poses the questions. “Where is that scientist? ‘Scientist.’ Pah-shaw.” “Oh, Mr. Colbert. Hi, I’m still over here.” Today’s guest waves. Stephen does not return the greeting. He saves his emotion for on-air interviews. A red light signals they’re on-air and Mr. Colbert exudes smooth confidence like toothpaste from a tube. He skips over to the interview table, buoyed by rowdy cheers. Why pretend? He’s the one audiences

There are wonders in old-timey hardware stores. Trodding upon creaky wooden floors, sagebrush-sized dust bunnies, and short cluttered aisles, you'll notice that even the PVC conduit straps look magical. Toy inchworms and the rest of it are darned cute, with or without googly eyes.

The bed-sheet parachutes down, squeezing out a puff of freshly laundered lavender air. Purring comforts the darkness, lulling a singing cricket trio and their frog chorus to sleep. A tingle creeps to my nose, luring me to scratch it. Eventually, my hand rouses a single finger to softly brush my nose-tip. Wait, there's my finger and... a cool, smushy softness. Instantly, my sleepyhead orders up a nimble reflex: Jerk head. This inserts finger and a doughy ball into my nostril, smearing the nasal cavity. Smearing? The stench of poop wafts to my brain. Each inhalation draws in the odor of digested Science Diet cat-food, so strongly I taste seafood and ocean whitefish. Primevally alert, I recoil from bed and hit the ground running. At the sink I hear myself cursing feline gastrointestinal tracts and the morsel my cat laid in bed. I jam soap up my snout—Relaxing Sandalwood & Myrrh, Citrus Fresh Dish Soap, and Softsoap Antibacterial—knowing they will never cleanse the memory.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Boston, Massachusetts | December 5, 2006 | The winner awarded best blog of December 3, 2006 from Blog of the Day is a site called Small and Big . The award catapaults Small and Big into the company of previous illustrious winners including A Dumb Blog, Skipping to the Piccolo, and Where Is Basil - Basil the Donkey. The award is bestowed by Anomyous at blogofthedayawards.blogspot.com . "I speak for my whole staff of writers when I say thank you. Small and Big is extremely pleased to be recognized with this award. Or any award," says P.L. Frederick, the blog's staff, writer, and staff writer. "Even though it happened on a Sunday, when nobody's online. Gosh, even to be nominated is an honor." According to comments on Blog of the Day, the nomination contained this glowing recommendation: "Hi. I'd like to nominate my blog, called Small And Big ( smallandbig.blogspot.com ). It mostly contains humor writings, although not always

(True story. Names changed to prevent personal injury.) Daughter buys a brand new expensive car, a Volvo. For vacation she drives 800 miles to the family homestead to show it off to the clan. Mom is super impressed. Why, this is a respectable sign of wealth, what with the exorbitant price tag, beefy turbo engine, and luxurious vibrating-heated-100%-leather seats. Three months later Mother and Daughter talk over the phone. Mom complains about a neighbor: “She’s bragging about her family again. But I stopped the talk quick. I said, ‘well, my daughter’s got a new Vulva.’ That shut her up.” “What?” asks Daughter “I told her about your Vulva.” “Mom! I drive a Volvo. Vul- voh .” “What?” “Volvo is a car. A vulva is something different. It’s, you know, some female anatomy.” “But, I’ve been telling everyone about your Vulva. About how quick and expensive it is, and how nice it smells!”

November's contest from the Humor Power blog was fun ( go there ). The assignment was to invent wine and ice cream flavors. Here are mine, although I've since tweaked them a tad. Don't ask me why the horse references. WINE Chardonneigh - A young wine with delightful golden overtones, made daily by horses. Stable aromas of hay, fresh grass, and leather. Best enjoyed warm. ICE CREAM Snow Flakes - Melts in your mouth, and in your hand. This chilly white treat is free from calories, nuts, wheat gluten, carbs, and flavor. Made the old-fashioned way, by a nimbostratus cloud. Apple Crisp - An autumnal treat of rocky road ice cream infused with fresh, toasty warm road apples. Popular at parades.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Boston, Massachusetts | December 1, 2006 | A blog titled Small and Big has recently earned the coveted Mystery Carrot Award. This exceptional weblog was cited for the honor from among all Internet offerings worldwide. The award is sponsored by Chrid Meister of www.chridmeister.co.uk . “We’re proud to receive this award,” says Small and Big’s staff writer, P.L. Frederick. “The Carrot is the only accolade to recognize the caliber of effort it takes to be kind of okay. The award’s description really grabbed me. It says, ‘Mystery Carrot Award, for website adequacy.’” According to statements on the award Web site, the entry requirements are stringent: “Is your website not bad? Kind of OK? Really quite acceptable and somewhere near reasonable? Please feel free to add this Mystery Carrot Award to your website!” P.L. Frederick continues, “With all the egocasts out there, the competition was intense. But I thought, what the hey, it’s time to take Small and Big to the n