Small & Big

Everything tastes better with salt.

☐ Fishing For Compliments ☐ At 6am, Watching Red Sox’s Opening Game In Tokyo (At Local Bahston Bah*) ☐ 307 lbs (139.252 kgs) ☐ Pondering Pantaloons ☐ Cookies * That’s “Boston Bar.”

I have the Ah-ha moment whilst meandering through the local Building #19. The store’s self-awareness appeals to me and, I don’t know, maybe sometimes it also rubs off. This is the kind of joint where things wind up after close-outs, bankruptcies, accidents and acts of God; the kind of place where after handling the designer merchandise you hurry home to wash your paws. All round me, cartooned-up murals make bright declarations in letters the size of cinderblocks. Black, yellow, and red words remind me to “Suffer a Little, Save a Lot,” and that the free coffee (“Don’t laugh, someday you’ll be old and weak too!”) comes with free fake cream. The moment comes unannounced and definite, like a sneeze. I’m sifting through the hardcover kid’s books and they keep getting better and better: Do I want a beautifully illustrated African story ($2.99) or a nicely printed Caldecott medal winner ($4.99), or both? Then, Ah! —A peculiar effervesce fills my body. It starts way down deep in the toes— Ah!

Feet. Cheese. The nose knows no difference.

And you think your break-up was painful? (I'm ashamed to admit this, but... except for the bows, all eggs look the same to me.)

Facts culled from the kids’ section of Boston Sunday Globe comics (children are my preferred source for late breaking news): If you yelled for eight years, seven months, and six days, you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. Pearls melt in vinegar. A duck’s quack does not echo and no one knows why. A snail can sleep for three years. Typewriter is the longest English word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard. Drool from a giraffe can reach up to 12 feet.

It is time for change. What's the biggest amount you’ve pooped out? ☐ Lincoln penny ☐ Canadian nickel ☐ 1894 Liberty head dime ☐ Sacagawea dollar ☐ Franklin Mint special edition York Peppermint Pattie ☐ President

Dear Government People Who Dictate That We “Change Time” Twice A Year, Kindly read this: The Ethics of Changing Time . Kindly stop yanking Father Time round and round. Kindly pretty please. Thank you. Sincerely, P.L. “Yawn” Frederick

It’s a French Groundhog Day .

I support smart comedy at the office—the political office. I donated $20 smackeroos to the campaign of Al Franken ( www.alfranken.com ). Al’s running for the Minnesota Senate and I find myself supporting him even though I’m from a completely different M state, Massachusetts. Why? Here’s an excerpt from the letter I received, minus the boring bits: Dear Person I'm Asking For Money, One year ago, I launched my campaign to take back Paul Wellstone’s seat in the U.S. Senate. ...I’ll tell you all about it—but first, we need to talk about money. Can you help me... by making a contribution of $25, $50, or $100 today? Now that I have that first “ask” out of the way, let me tell you why I think the campaign’s going so well. Norm Colman is bad—I mean bad... Our campaign is awesome. In fact, my first TV commercial featured my fourth-grade teacher. Can you help me... by making a contribution of $25, $50, or $100 today? (There. I’ve made my second “ask.”) Thanks for reading, Al Franken P.S. Ano