Old Geeks And Greeks
Stephen Colbert quickly smoothes his perfect American eyebrows. Tonight’s yellow tie and gray Brooks Brothers suit lend a Swiss flair to an interview of international importance. The Colbert Report’s star news anchor impatiently tap-tap-taps his elegant fingers. Beneath the scorching spotlights—although the producer insists it is impossible—Stephen smells burning hair. His precious hair. He checks his Rolex.
“I’m a molten hot magma of truth, ready to spew down America’s sainted mountain,” he huffs, shuffling interview cards. Blue cards remind the live audience that a Man poses the questions. “Where is that scientist? ‘Scientist.’ Pah-shaw.”
“Oh, Mr. Colbert. Hi, I’m still over here.” Today’s guest waves. Stephen does not return the greeting. He saves his emotion for on-air interviews.
A red light signals they’re on-air and Mr. Colbert exudes smooth confidence like toothpaste from a tube. He skips over to the interview table, buoyed by rowdy cheers. Why pretend? He’s the one audiences come to see. Taking the control seat opposite his guest, Mr. Colbert starts it tough: “That’s some calculator you’ve invented, Dr. Freeth.”
“The Antikythera Mechanism. Yes, it is extraordinarily special but it is not my invention. Surprisingly, it is from the ancient world, from a time when we would not suspect such precision was possible.”
Mr. Colbert whistles appreciatively. “Old stuff. So that’s how they calculated the Ten Commandments. You’re saying that a Texas Instruments calculator figures into the Bible? You intrigue me, Freeth.”
“No,” Dr. Freeth blinks. “No. TI’s patent for a miniature calculator was awarded in 1974. You see, this mysterious bronze device originates around 120 B.C., was lost, then rediscovered in 1910. No public details were available until quite recently.”
“Hold up, Doc. You’re throwing numbers around like peppermints. And just like Altoids, science and math are open to interpretation. God’s Commandments are not.”
Dr. Freeth’s lip twitches. “The Patent Office is pretty clear about 1974. Scientists do not know everything, Mr. Colbert—”
“Got that right,” agrees the host.
“—but we are interested in finding out—”
“I’m going on a five-week vacation to the Mediterranean. Where could I pick up one of your contraptions?”
“Unless you have the ability to time travel back to ancient Greece, you cannot.”
“You’ve got something caught in your teeth, Freeth. Right there. No, one to the right. When doing anything important, always move to the right.” Applause. “Moving on, let’s talk about the connection with Hipparchos. As I understand it, you worked with the Greek astronomer and founder of trigonometry to create this device.”
“Hipparchos may have worked on it, yes. Not me.”
“We couldn’t track Hippo down for my show. How do you think Hippo feels about all the press for his little Hippo hobby?”
“Hipparchos died in 125.”
“Doesn’t that make an old Greek the world’s first tech geek?” Chuckles. “Old geeks and Greeks. Antique geek Greeks. Say that ten times fast—”
“Excuse me, Mr. Colbert? Would you like to know how the Antikythera Mechanism and its 30 gears were used, its exciting connection with sponge divers, or what’s written on the back?”
“Not really. The Ten Commandments are all I need to know. Dr. Freeth, thank you for being on The Colbert Report. America, keep a lookout for the doctor’s new calculator, coming soon to a Radio Shack near you.”
“I’m a molten hot magma of truth, ready to spew down America’s sainted mountain,” he huffs, shuffling interview cards. Blue cards remind the live audience that a Man poses the questions. “Where is that scientist? ‘Scientist.’ Pah-shaw.”
“Oh, Mr. Colbert. Hi, I’m still over here.” Today’s guest waves. Stephen does not return the greeting. He saves his emotion for on-air interviews.
A red light signals they’re on-air and Mr. Colbert exudes smooth confidence like toothpaste from a tube. He skips over to the interview table, buoyed by rowdy cheers. Why pretend? He’s the one audiences come to see. Taking the control seat opposite his guest, Mr. Colbert starts it tough: “That’s some calculator you’ve invented, Dr. Freeth.”
“The Antikythera Mechanism. Yes, it is extraordinarily special but it is not my invention. Surprisingly, it is from the ancient world, from a time when we would not suspect such precision was possible.”
Mr. Colbert whistles appreciatively. “Old stuff. So that’s how they calculated the Ten Commandments. You’re saying that a Texas Instruments calculator figures into the Bible? You intrigue me, Freeth.”
“No,” Dr. Freeth blinks. “No. TI’s patent for a miniature calculator was awarded in 1974. You see, this mysterious bronze device originates around 120 B.C., was lost, then rediscovered in 1910. No public details were available until quite recently.”
“Hold up, Doc. You’re throwing numbers around like peppermints. And just like Altoids, science and math are open to interpretation. God’s Commandments are not.”
Dr. Freeth’s lip twitches. “The Patent Office is pretty clear about 1974. Scientists do not know everything, Mr. Colbert—”
“Got that right,” agrees the host.
“—but we are interested in finding out—”
“I’m going on a five-week vacation to the Mediterranean. Where could I pick up one of your contraptions?”
“Unless you have the ability to time travel back to ancient Greece, you cannot.”
“You’ve got something caught in your teeth, Freeth. Right there. No, one to the right. When doing anything important, always move to the right.” Applause. “Moving on, let’s talk about the connection with Hipparchos. As I understand it, you worked with the Greek astronomer and founder of trigonometry to create this device.”
“Hipparchos may have worked on it, yes. Not me.”
“We couldn’t track Hippo down for my show. How do you think Hippo feels about all the press for his little Hippo hobby?”
“Hipparchos died in 125.”
“Doesn’t that make an old Greek the world’s first tech geek?” Chuckles. “Old geeks and Greeks. Antique geek Greeks. Say that ten times fast—”
“Excuse me, Mr. Colbert? Would you like to know how the Antikythera Mechanism and its 30 gears were used, its exciting connection with sponge divers, or what’s written on the back?”
“Not really. The Ten Commandments are all I need to know. Dr. Freeth, thank you for being on The Colbert Report. America, keep a lookout for the doctor’s new calculator, coming soon to a Radio Shack near you.”
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