South Talk

When you visit Dollywood in Tennessee stop to look at the doodads and doohickies. With luck you might come across a thin book on how to talk like a real honest-to-goodness Southerner. Amongst cartoon illustrations and a precise pronounciation guide are powerful expressions like:

   Slower than a crippled turtle.
   Harder than nailing a fresh egg to the wall.

Gems! Although it’s well-nigh impossible to create something approaching that magnitude of marvelousness, I cannot resist trying. Here goes...

   I hear smoking’s illegal in Tennessee.
   They’re changing all the signs to say “Welcome
   to the No Smoky Mountains.”

   I’m so fat I got to use a two-way mirror.

   Them beans is windier than a she-hog in a
   tornado.

   I’ve got more hollars than sense.

   That’s needed like nail polish on a three-legged
   rodeo clown.

   I’m not fat I’m just big toned.

   That’s tastier than pecan pie on a catfish rolled
   up in a doughnut hole.

   She’s so scrawny you can tell which rib came
   from Adam.

   He’s so dumb he’d hire a contractor to fix
   a butt crack.

(Part two of this series is here.)

Want funnier sayings? See the ones over at InnocentEnglish.com.