The Queen And I

The UK’s Queen Elizabeth II and I are real close. Why, just last week she emailed me an urgent dispatch entitled, “Irrevocable lottery payment.” The message begins, “Dear frend, treat Urgent to Proceed” and then goes into detail about needing my Social Security Number and bank accounts. Her agents are depositing lottery winnings directly into an overseas tax-free account for me. I won’t go into further detail, as she urged me to speak to no one concerning this matter, but I think you catch my drift about the friend thing.

So I was a trifle surprised about a blurb in yesterday’s Parade Magazine. You think you know somebody—until you find out what’s in her purse. Turns out, Lizzy totes around family photographs, dog treats, crossword puzzles, a make-up case, and good-luck charms. Appropriate items for a life of leisure, I’ll grant: except that last one. This is the woman Forbes Magazine conservatively says is worth £280 million (equivalent to $800 zillion billion, US). This is the woman with Ladies-in-waiting to cater her every whim. This is the woman whose backyard is Canada. She requires extra good luck? We all know money doesn’t buy happiness or good taste, but aren’t good luck and easy opportunity part of the deal? Apparently the evidence is in the bag, and it disagrees. That black boxy purse says, “I’m Queen, 7-across is brisket, and I rely on more than moxie.”

Lizzy, you’ve reminded me that people aren’t so different. All of us could use more luck, or at least we think we could. So girlfriend, this is your lucky day. You can keep my lottery winnings, which I’ll gladly exchange for some of your charms—be they rabbit’s feet, shepherd’s pie, or the Hope Diamond. Instead of pursuing good luck, let’s spread it around, shall we? Please respond via email.

Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom, painted in 1933 when she was seven years old