The Sweetest Pet Ever

“FREE kittinz!”

This is the sign that draws people’s attention when they’re pet shopping. And you are, aren’t you? Good for you! And good for them, because animals are some of the nicest people you’ll ever want to meet. (Except for that 100-pound St. Bernard that cornered me when I was six. “Saint,” my foot.) But before you run off to adopt a special four- or two-legged bestest friend, I urge you to consider something more. Something more-legged: namely, honeybees.

Now I know what you’re thinking: “Are they really made of honey?” Yes. Yes they are. And the yellow stripes? Solid 24k gold. That’s why people don’t eat them.

Those non-bee pets you’re considering, they’re not gonna work out. They are inferior to the honeybee and here’s why.

Cats
1) Honeybees don’t nonchalantly squeeze behind the washer and poop up the basement floor. 2) Honeybees don’t carry out this affair secretly and passionately, behind closed doors and—and this is the important part because it’s slanty—in your own home while you are at home. Bee doo-doo is miniscule. Think grain-of-sand. (And how frequently does sand poop?) You could litterly (ha hah!) replace the litter inside the cat box with kazillions of bee craps. Bag ’em up and sell ’em as Tidy Crap™; use them for compost; whatever.

Bunny rabbits
Like the queen bee, a female rabbit gives birth to 1,200 babies a day. But no honey.

Dogs
1) A beehive doesn’t require a daily tour of the neighborhood, even during a tornado blizzard, accompanied by a tour guide (you). 2) The best watchdog? A pack of angry bees. 3) Honeybees always come home before dark. This quality also makes them superior to teenagers.

Lizards
Lizards are cute, but can they fly?

Birds
Think how many people today are allergic to feathers; if not you then someone you love. Even animals can be allergic to feathers, like my dog Godzilla. Maybe you would end up with a bird that was allergic to birds, eh?

Goats
Goats are for eating.

Horses
The domesticated horse has long been a helpmate to humankind. It stars in cowboy movies and as purple plasticated children’s toys. It has long hair you can braid. It’s strong and pretty and I write poems about it. Next!

Wasps
Ugh! What are you thinking? Wasps are an all-around awful pet choice: they’re ornery, they don’t give honey, and their nests are unsightly grayish-blob papery things. One wasp can sting you multiple times, just because. A honeybee is limited to one sting only, and boy bees don’t even have stingers. Way more polite.

Cows
You could lose yourself in those big brown cow eyes... and those big brown cow patties. Honeybees have five eyes to moon over, which makes them more than twice as good. Basic math.

Squirrels
Too nutty.

Ligers
Nice stripes. Nice big teeth, too. You ever seen a veterinarian’s bill for dental work? You’ll wish you’d been eaten.

Dolphins
Where’s submersible Smartyfins gonna live? A beehive, you can keep safely and happily atop a mini skyscraper, in your wooded backyard, or in your living room (as long as the bees have their own egress). Beeseses is flexible.

We must have exhausted about all the usual pet choices because my typing fingers hurt. So, to summarize, in conclusion: the honeybee is the sweetest pet ever. Save yourself the trouble and adopt a honeybee today. You’ll find them hanging out wherever you see the sign “Local Honey.”