New Federal Licensing Program For Bloggers

The U.S. Federal Government now requires that all bloggers in the United States be fully licensed. It’s a mandate. Every blogger born in, or currently residing within, the United States must meet stringent government qualifications. By Federal mandate, all bloggers must complete the following swearing-in process within 30 days of reading this word right here. Too late: you read it. Mandate!

Official Swearing In, As Put Forth By The United States Government By Especial Resolution

Place your left hand over your heart and your right hand on the Internet. Repeat after me: As a blogger...
  1. I do solemnly swear to create my own news.

  2. I do solemnly swear to post to my blog on an at-least-yearly schedule.

  3. I do solemly swear to use Spell Check.

  4. I do solemnly swear to never blog while steering an automobile, aeroplane, yacht, railroad train, or castrated bull.

  5. I do solemnly swear to never blog while on the toilet. Except in an emergency.

  6. I do solemnly swear to vote regularly in State and Federal elections. If not, I forfeit expressing my opinion on anything political, to anyone, whatsoever; I keep said opinions to myself, shut my pie hole, turn off the spigot, even on my blog, even inside my head, especially there.

  7. I do solemnly swear that, after eating red beets, I am not frightened by what comes out at the end of the digestive process. Same goes for asparagus.

  8. I do solemnly swear to say “No!” to drugs. I refrain from using any substance to treat an illness, relieve a symptom, or modify a chemical process in my body for a specific purpose. This includes cocaine, Doritos, alcohol, antiperspirant, and water.

  9. I do solemnly swear. But also, unsolemnly.

  10. I do solemnly swear to match the color of my socks to the color of my shirt, never the color of my pants, despite what Fred Astaire said about creating a graceful line.

These ten (10) statements are subject to amendment.

{AMENDMENT 09.09.08: 10.0 is now 5.0, making 5.0 be 6.0, 6.0 be 7.0, 7.0 be 8.0, 8.0 be 9.0, and 9.0 be 10.0. Swears 1.0 through 4.0 remain unamendededed.}

Congratulations, you are now an authorized blogger, legally vetted and approved and with all the tax and licensing implications this implies. We’ll be in touch.

Comments

Sid Leavitt said…
Another great entry, P.L. I especially agree with No. 5 in the oath.

By the way, what's up with the picture of the chick? Since it seems to be swearing, does that mean it's now a licensed blogger? And are you the chick holding the swearing chick?

And which came first, the . . . oh, forget it.
September 06, 2008
Rick Rockhill said…
hee hee hee. well done and well said.
September 06, 2008
P.L. Frederick said…
Ah, that age-old question: chicken versus egg, and who arrivest first. Depends on whether one believes in evolution (in which case, the egg cometh first) or creationism (first, God createth the chicken). Of course, anyone believing in God also appreciates evolution, since God creates everything and everything in the world, everything!, changes all the time—even a De Beers diamond isn't forever—until muddled, organized thinking gets in the way, telling Believers that nothing evolves, nothing changes, including their mistaken beliefs. Perhaps I digress. The chick is cussin' up a storm because swearing is mandated by Federal Government eggheads. It is my understanding that government eggheads precede swearing.
September 06, 2008
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You're On My Mind, For $1,000

Image
It has not escaped me that I have a somewhat profuse forehead. Or rather, a fivehead. The “high forehead” was thought to be much attractive in the 15th through 16th centuries, when wealthy gentleladies plucked their way to highbrowed beauty. Admirers took note of the greater brainpan and refined intelligence. (“My, my. Look at thee fo’ead on that one. Hubba hubba.”) Alas, today we no longer live in the Middle Ages, those pox-filled days of easy beauty. Those of us left behind, showing proof of high intelligence as we do, need to make do. So.... One day, a dame with a dome has a bright idea: Advertising Revenue. Then an even better, more refined idea: But a genius idea needs geniuses to buy into it. That’s where you come in. For example, say you’re an overpaid advertising executive. You’re gearing up to promote a dentist, electronics giant, and/or hemorrhoid creme. Or household goods and Sea-Monkeys. I don’t need to explain to you the power of the visual medium. So, without further ado.
Read more

Anizo 100% Reality Mind

Image
“Anizo 100% Reality Mind.” What this means, I have no idea. A friend found it living in a vending machine on the street in China and brought it back to Boston for me. The one-inch tall yellow plastic guy (I think it’s a he) has a smile, a blue tear, a pair of hand holes, a growth atop his head pierced clean through, and, on his backside, a man getting squeezed between two lines that I hope do not represent butt cheeks. The warning printed on the paper insert commands, “Do not use as lifeguard equipment.” Anizo and I, we’re inseparable. Anizo 100% Reality Mind!
Read more