New Federal Licensing Program For Bloggers

The U.S. Federal Government now requires that all bloggers in the United States be fully licensed. It’s a mandate. Every blogger born in, or currently residing within, the United States must meet stringent government qualifications. By Federal mandate, all bloggers must complete the following swearing-in process within 30 days of reading this word right here. Too late: you read it. Mandate!

Official Swearing In, As Put Forth By The United States Government By Especial Resolution

Place your left hand over your heart and your right hand on the Internet. Repeat after me: As a blogger...

1. I do solemnly swear to create my own news.


2. I do solemnly swear to post to my blog on an at-least-yearly schedule.


3. I do solemly swear to use Spell Check.


4. I do solemnly swear to never blog while steering an automobile, aeroplane, yacht, railroad train, or castrated bull.


5. I do solemnly swear to never blog while on the toilet. Except in an emergency.


6. I do solemnly swear to vote regularly in State and Federal elections. If not, I forfeit expressing my opinion on anything political, to anyone, whatsoever; I keep said opinions to myself, shut my pie hole, turn off the spigot, even on my blog, even inside my head, especially there.


7. I do solemnly swear that, after eating red beets, I am not frightened by what comes out at the end of the digestive process. Same goes for asparagus.


8. I do solemnly swear to say “No!” to drugs. I refrain from using any substance to treat an illness, relieve a symptom, or modify a chemical process in my body for a specific purpose. This includes cocaine, Doritos, alcohol, antiperspirant, and water.


9. I do solemnly swear. But also, unsolemnly.


10. I do solemnly swear to match the color of my socks to the color of my shirt, never the color of my pants, despite what Fred Astaire said about creating a graceful line.

These ten (10) statements are subject to amendment.

{AMENDMENT 09.09.08: 10.0 is now 5.0, making 5.0 be 6.0, 6.0 be 7.0, 7.0 be 8.0, 8.0 be 9.0, and 9.0 be 10.0. Swears 1.0 through 4.0 remain unamendededed.}

Congratulations, you are now an authorized blogger, legally vetted and approved and with all the tax and licensing implications this implies. We’ll be in touch.