Part 5: Your Dog Would Love You Even More If You Were Kitty-Litter Morsels

The conclusion to our groundbreaking five-part exposé on canines, love, and yuck. This final piece provides guidance on where to go from here, in your poop suit.

It is important to give this new wardrobe some settling-in time: go easy on yourself as you adapt to working with an all-brown palette, and to losing some friends. (Earth tones look magnificent on you and those weren’t true friends.) Just look, look!, at how happy you are making the dog. During moments of doubt, and there will one or two, take a calming breath and bring to mind just this morning, before leaving for work, her soulful doggie eyes staring up at your poop shirt. Take note of your mutual love and admiration for each other: the poop socks in your shoes. Allow those poop undies and poop pants to remind you that, no matter how stressful work gets, tonight you will be welcomed home by one very interested dog. Feel the love, the brown-eye love.

Please note that clothing is a stopgap measure until science finds a way to convert you into turd. For remember, in order to be engrossing, it helps to be gross.

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