Wedding Vows, If They Were Actually Honest

The following romantic vows are suitable for pretty much any nuptials.

• I promise to cherish you forever but will snatch the last cupcake for myself.
• For the rest of our blessed life together I promise to get our anniversary wrong by at least a month. 
• I won’t listen to your advice until it’s coming out my mouth.
• {Farts that sound like} “Never. Hog. My blanket.”
• I will become vegan for two years. (It will feel much longer.)
• A love of Shakespeare will provide untold opportunities for me to mispronounce weird words in public, like swoltery and quatch. My vocabulary won’t get gooder
• I pick only you, and my nose.
• I will never tighten lids or close cupboards but I will always love you. (Should you ever become trapped in said jar or cupboard, You’re welcome.)
• People shed. Expect to find my loose hairs knotted around your junk. Unless they’re yours.
• I promise to rewrap chocolate bars to appear there’s nothing been eaten.
• Once a week, when you least expect it, I promise to slowly stick my naked behind out, scratch it and slowly retreat it back. I do.
• Brain cells may be killed. Spiders may not. #Bugzooka
• Hope you enjoy the same seven foods I eat the rest of my life!
• I complain a little bit. Okay a lot. But in that cute way you see on “Cops” where that guy got shot in the stomach so he jammed his fingers into the hole to stop bleeding but it’s been weeks now and the stomach skin grew around his three fingers so now they’re stuck.
• I’m not expecting to ever die. This will cause trouble later.