My Collection Of Favorite Quotes

Okay, what I realized from this exercise is that I don't know the difference between a joke and a quote. So here are 25 favorite quotes. Or jokes.

SEX

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
— Jack Handy

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
—Woody Allen (b. 1935)


DEATH

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy.
—Jack Handy


LAUGHTER

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
—Woody Allen (b.1935)


CYNICISM

A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
—James Gould Cozzens (1903-1978)


GOSSIP

Gossip is just news running ahead of itself in a red satin dress.
—Liz Smith

Gossip, n.: Hearing something you like about someone you don't.
—Earl Wilson (1934-2005)


MARRIAGE

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet—so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
—Rita Rudner (b.1956)

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
—Agatha Christie (1890-1976)

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
—Phyllis Diller (b.1917)


COURTSHIP

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day—and another, in case it doesn't rain.
—Mae West (1893-1980)

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
—Phyllis Diller (b.1917)


WAR

Never has there been a good war or a bad peace.
—Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?
—Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)


FRIENDS

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
—Mark Twain (1835-1910)


VIRTUE

Always do right—this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
—Mark Twain (1835-1910)


ACTING

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.
—Sir Ralph Richardson (1902-1983)

Give me a couple of years, and I’ll make that actress an overnight success.
—Samuel Goldwyn (1882-1974)


WRITING

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
—Jules Renard (1864-1910)

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
—Robert Benchley (1889-1945)


HEALTH

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books—how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.
—Andy Rooney (b.1919)

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.
—Chris Rock (b. 1965)


WEALTH

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
—Will Rogers (1879-1935)


INTELLECTUALS

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.
—Jerry Seinfield (b.1954)

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
—Will Rogers (1879-1935)