So You Wanna Be Noah Webster

As our five regular readers often observe, there are many words used in Small and Big that are well beyond its writer's capability. Well—ha HAH!—not this time. We are taking control over wordiness by making up our own definitions for words that the dictionary stubbornly insists are real.

1. abrogate: scandal caused by the use of "Abracadabra!" to turn political opponents into squeaky old farmhouse gates (unfortunately, nobody noticed the change)


2. carom: sound given off by your automobile as it meditates


3. evince: an Web site convincingly selling men named Vince


4. factotum: large timber sculptures carved with proven truths, revered by scientific and mathematical tribes


5. gravid: an ardent gravy connoisseur, often distinguished by tan colored globs on his or her handlebar mustache


6. orotund: what stock market analysts strive to be—big and round with tons of funds


7. panjandrum: a pita pocket sandwich stuffed with panda bears, jam, and a drum set, and likely to cause heartburn, rabies, and tinnitus


8. slugabed: 1) an eco-conscious sleeping platform of slimy critters, requiring sleepers to saddle up with arm and leg restraints in order to stay on; 2) what you do after you hit the pillow


9. sublinary: a rare breed of canary found on submarines; its birdsong can be heard 40,000 leagues under the sea, but only subliminally


10. turpitude: turnips with attitude

For the backstory on why I'm doing this, read my previous post, I Can Learn To Be Funny?