Have A Sound Meeting

The day job requires conference calls. This is where participants talk together on the phone and purposely say stuff like, “The combination of our BGA usage parameters and IBU cost structure co-meters create a Tier One model of achievement with global end-structure Make. implications for 1Q.” (Translation? Linguists are stumped.) The contagion of boredom bacteria* spreads like an oozing mucus of molasses slowing seeping over a Ken Burns documentary about paint drying on a humid day in the suburbs.

There are high spots though—moments that give evidence of humanity. Most participants don’t use the Mute button so the occasional oddball noise gets broadcast globally. Unless the culprit fesses up nobody knows where the sound comes from. It could be me in Boston or it could be you over there. (Was it you?) Some of the human sounds I’ve heard during big suit meetings are:

  • Dishes being washed, dried, and stacked in a wooden cupboard

  • Pitter-patter of tiny squirrel feet (or rat feet)

  • Liquid pouring into a white porcelain bowl

  • (Complete list here)

Unfortunately, the racket makes it difficult to nap.

* A virus would be too hip.

Comments

Dave said…
You might have hay fever but there’s nothing wrong with your hearing. That oh so distinctive sound of ‘liquid’ being ‘poured’ into a white porcelain bowl. The depth to which the cascade of liquid penetrates is easily discernible through the echo of the smallest room.

If only I could soar with you mighty eagles. *sigh*
September 16, 2008
P.L. Frederick said…
My hearing is so acute I could even tell it was white!

Eagles? Nah, that'd be too full of life. With all the hot air we're more like dirigibles. Big, fat, helium-filled zeppelins. Come fly with us, Dave. Come fly with us.
September 16, 2008
Dave said…
All I'm seeing here is 'Big, fat, helium-filled zeppelins.

Are you doing this deliberately?
September 16, 2008
P.L. Frederick said…
When you're part of Corporate you'll refer to them as "Satellite Compression Module Protector FastCom-Sector Frag Skins."
September 16, 2008
Weith Kick said…
I've endured my share of conference calls. What really gets me is when someone has their conference call on for all the other offices to hear. Or when someone is playing their phone message on their speaker phone for the world to hear. Bastards! Are there people out there that ACTUALLY enjoy conference calls and meetings. God knows I hate them!
September 16, 2008
P.L. Frederick said…
We should schedule a conference call to discuss this, Weith Kick. I'll have the Powerpoint presentation up and rarin' to go. To accommodate the worldwide team, are you available from 2-3 a.m. on Thursday the 18th? We'll kick it off with a short video from the CEO's yacht.
September 16, 2008
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