Stuff To Do In Pants

  1. Put them on, two legs at a time
  2. Refer to them as “leg warmers”
  3. Hide shy knees
  4. Pretend your legs are locked up and you gotta walk like an upside-down V
  5. Patch them, so you can be a clown called Patches
  6. Philosophicalize on there being a “pair ” of pants, or worse yet, a “single” “pair” of pants
  7. Take them to dinner and a movie
  8. Learn the scientific names of all the bones between your ankle and hip in Pig Latin
  9. Wear tight ones, stand for 24 hours, win at Touch-A-Car
  10. Check out other pants
  11. Employ leg hole as hamster/mouse/cricket tunnel
  12. Wear them backwards and upside down. What an ugly shirt.
  13. Act like you say “trousers” all the time
  14. Climb a tree with easy branches (this isn’t funny but it’s fun)
  15. Catch a fart
  16. Collect pocket lint, insert in belly button
  17. Opps, zip up your fly
  18. Wonder why it’s called a “fly”
  19. Giggle, because underneath these clothes you’re NAKED
  20. Walk tall, on stilts
  21. Jingle pocket change to Ride of the Valkyries
  22. Wonder why kids get big pants to grow into and adults get small pants to shrink into
  23. Don’t dance the mamba, that’s a snake.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

You're On My Mind, For $1,000

Image
It has not escaped me that I have a somewhat profuse forehead. Or rather, a fivehead. The “high forehead” was thought to be much attractive in the 15th through 16th centuries, when wealthy gentleladies plucked their way to highbrowed beauty. Admirers took note of the greater brainpan and refined intelligence. (“My, my. Look at thee fo’ead on that one. Hubba hubba.”) Alas, today we no longer live in the Middle Ages, those pox-filled days of easy beauty. Those of us left behind, showing proof of high intelligence as we do, need to make do. So.... One day, a dame with a dome has a bright idea: Advertising Revenue. Then an even better, more refined idea: But a genius idea needs geniuses to buy into it. That’s where you come in. For example, say you’re an overpaid advertising executive. You’re gearing up to promote a dentist, electronics giant, and/or hemorrhoid creme. Or household goods and Sea-Monkeys. I don’t need to explain to you the power of the visual medium. So, without further ado.
Read more

Anizo 100% Reality Mind

Image
“Anizo 100% Reality Mind.” What this means, I have no idea. A friend found it living in a vending machine on the street in China and brought it back to Boston for me. The one-inch tall yellow plastic guy (I think it’s a he) has a smile, a blue tear, a pair of hand holes, a growth atop his head pierced clean through, and, on his backside, a man getting squeezed between two lines that I hope do not represent butt cheeks. The warning printed on the paper insert commands, “Do not use as lifeguard equipment.” Anizo and I, we’re inseparable. Anizo 100% Reality Mind!
Read more

The Thing About A Sting

Image
Why does a bee sting? For the answer you gotta go straight to the stinger. So directly I go, to the honey bee on the red clover there. She looks sharp. “Um,” I say, absentmindedly rubbing the stinging lump on my backside. “Hello, little honeybee...?” “Bzzz,” she says through her fuzzy brown body. The little bee methodically works the field clover, chubby stripes balanced on dark, graceful toetips. Honeybees pick up sound vibrations through sensitive tapered feet; feet made for dancing and hard manual labor. “Good day to you, you ground-bound jumbo.” “Hey.” “Who has zee stinger?” the bee asks, padding across the purpley long-shag clover carpet. I am careful not to stare at her round brown backside; it might signal unhealthy interest. Politeness is in my interest. I breathe in the sweetness of warm clover, listening to the hum of insects happily working. Beneath my bare feet tender green leaves and stems percolate up the dirt’s moist humidity. For this quest why did I not wear s
Read more