Stuff To Do In Pants

1. Put them on, two legs at a time
2. Refer to them as “leg warmers”
3. Hide shy knees
4. Pretend your legs are locked up and you gotta walk like an upside-down V
5. Patch them, so you can be a clown called Patches
6. Philosophicalize on there being a “pair ” of pants, or worse yet, a “single” “pair” of pants
7. Take them to dinner and a movie
8. Learn the scientific names of all the bones between your ankle and hip in Pig Latin
9. Wear tight ones, stand for 24 hours, win at Touch-A-Car
10. Check out other pants
11. Employ leg hole as hamster/mouse/cricket tunnel
12. Wear them backwards and upside down. What an ugly shirt.
13. Act like you say “trousers” all the time
14. Climb a tree with easy branches (this isn’t funny but it’s fun)
15. Catch a fart
16. Collect pocket lint, insert in belly button
17. Opps, zip up your fly
18. Wonder why it’s called a “fly”
19. Giggle, because underneath these clothes you’re NAKED
20. Walk tall, on stilts
21. Jingle pocket change to Ride of the Valkyries
22. Wonder why kids get big pants to grow into and adults get small pants to shrink into
23. Don’t dance the mamba, that’s a snake.