Just For You: A Blurry Turkey Head

This is from 2008 when I bought three young chicken hens at auction, two of which turned into roosters just three months later. No, I didn’t buy the turkey too; the turkey head was attached to a turkey body and what do you do with a waist-high bird?

Love, Those, Commas

The comma is man’s best friend. It’s a dot with a cute little tail, poised in mid-air, wagging just for you. The comma is a tilted ice cream cone and a young minnow and one of them old timey bone horns you blow into, like the Jewish shofar. (Your sentence could substitute a flugelhorn but it’ll lack pagentry.) Commas also signify when to take a wee breath, a little pause, a rest. And, commas help form sentence grammar.

My beef is that last bit, sentence grammar. There aren’t enough commas in U.S. sentence grammar these days. Technically I have no business being irritated: my grammar is founded on speling errors and trendy word combos like “gassing the Mason jar” and “feline fart farm.” Plus I have not eaten beef since 1986.

Okay, I’ve never used those word combos and just wanted you to click my links there, but “feline fart farm” is awesome and I will definitely add it to my vocabulary and maybe even trademark it. (Small & Big: A Feline Fart Farm.™)

Anywho, that issue with commas. Let me show an example. Read this:

Careful to be extra quiet so as not to disturb the other Library patrons, I was moseying amongst the magazines when my shoe stepped on a thick, slick People. In slow motion I watched my left foot slide lefter, my legs doing the splits, the Chinese splits not the American splits, and the process knocked the wind out of me. Unfortunately the wind exited via my Southern pipe, not the Northern, and was accompanied by a series of vigorous Booms! and Rat-a-tats! After about six years the explosions subsided and I shouted “It’s People! It’s just People! Continue to move about your business. People.” I don’t know why any of this happened, especially the yelling part. Life is mysterious.

Wait, that doesn’t work. I don’t know where that came from. Here’s what I meant to type, these two examples:

1) Mary had a little lamb, a little duck and a little chicken for lunch.

2) Mary had a little lamb, a little duck, and a little chicken for lunch.

The first example is how I notice lots of professional American English writers using commas. But I prefer the second. To me the second is clearer: the duck and chicken are merely number two and number three on a list. The missing comma in the first example implies that the duck and chicken are together — duck and chicken — and that presumes a relationship, leading to questions like: are they married, dating, just friends, or exes with a long history of relationship troubles? (Good thing Mary put them out of their misery.)

There are better examples out there, like in the book “Eats, Shoots & Leaves: Why, Commas Really Do Make a Difference!” I leave you with this: picture a comma as a wiggly-waggly tail or tilty ice cream. Use lots of them and my world is a happier place.

30-Day Vacation For $39

The wonderfully uplifting writer and artist known as Sark is offering a deal during February of 2010: save $20 off her eProgram, SARK's Awesome Anytime Adventure, an inspiring 30-day tour of joyfull self-care, surprise and wonder. That makes it, like, $39. Click here to visit Planet SARK. Ahhh! Color that lifts the spirit just lookin’ at it! Why yes, I am a fan.

Remember this “How to Be an Artist” poster from the 1980s or 1990s? It was hers.

The Vauge Threat Of The Toilet

Americans don’t say the word toilet, thinking it too descriptive. Instead we say stuff like “use the facilities” or “visit the ladies’ room” or “see a man about a horse.” When I tell you I need to visit the bathroom and I go into the room with the toilet and no bathtub, I’ve successfully tricked you for you have no idea I’m going in there to use the toilet, no matter how much flushing you hear.

But that’s not the point. The thing I wanted to show you is what I encountered on vacation in Arizona or Nevada, I forget which, is this — this vague threat of a sign here:


This sign was meant to be read and learned from while seated upon the toilet, and it seemed to me at the time and even now that it’s a warning that, any moment, precocious children will scramble in, elbow me aside, and show how it’s done via a dramatic three-act play.

This little feller, clearly the Star, is he supposed to be me?

Because I’m not currently smiling. Where are his pants? Did he roll them into ankle bracelets? He didn’t even carefully arrange 7 feet of toilet paper on the seat before sitting down!

And this guy —

How dare he critique the miraculous process of digestion? The Star cannot help it! Get away from the door if you don’t like it then. And shave those legs.

And the girl —

She is both breaking in and enjoying the peep show.

I’ll bet those kids all ignore the No Smoking symbol. Never trust children with prominent elbow knobs.

And THAT’S why I returned from vacation.

Attitudinal Hen

Which did come first, the chicken or the egg? Why did the chicken cross the road? SOMEbody knows.

Self-Discovery

Q: What Do You Get When You Cross A Prop Plane With A Human Head?

A: Scary signs like this:



To feel better I told myself it’s a man wearing his favorite 4th of July hat, the one with fireworks.

Another correct answer would probably be:

A: Lawyers.

Vaycayshun Animules [video]

I'm on vaycayshun. See you after I get back. In the meantime, talking animals: