Everything I Learned From My Cat: A Blueprint To A Happy Life

  • Purr while awake, while sleeping, and when somebody steps on your tail.
  • All clothing is suspect and torture. A nice necklace is okay.
  • Lick your own butt.
  • You don’t always have to land on your feet.
  • Ice cream is worth the wait.
  • If you gotta accidently wee wee, do it where somebody slips in it.
  • Run away. If that doesn’t work out stick up for yourself.
  • Sleep around, sleep with whomever’s available. Do it 18 hours a day.
  • Rush to meet friends and strangers. When the opportunity presents itself stick your butt in their face. Leave it like that as long as possible.
  • Sometimes it’s okay to eat until you throw up.
  • When embarrassed, lick your shoulder.
  • Given a choice between any two items, pick the nearest. Even when it’s grasshopper versus chipmunk.
  • Follow your sunshine.
  • Yeah, so there’s turd between your toes. So what? It’ll come out.
  • Avoid the weekly nail appointment.
  • The adventure’s not over ’til you’re covered in cobwebs. (Also, spiders are delicious.)
  • At least once in life, poop where only an archaeologist will find it.

Comments

X said…
Meoow. Mew meowmeow. Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr mew. Meow meow, mew meow. Purr purr hiss purr. Meow meow meow.
January 02, 2009
Dave said…
WOW. All of the life coaches are wasting their time. You should publish this as 'A Blueprint To A Happy Life'.

It's butt licking good.
January 03, 2009
P.L. Frederick said…
Hee hee hee! Thanks for the purrrfect suggestion, Dave. I done dood it, I changed the title.

Also: Citizens of Earth, my cat is now available as a life coach. Sign up for his teleconference, "Turding Up Your Toes, One Step At A Time."
January 03, 2009
P.L. Frederick said…
Alpha Whale: Meow meoooooooooooOOOOOOOww. Mew mew mew. Ouw. Meow. :-)
January 03, 2009
Rick Rockhill said…
sensible advice from the kitty cat, I tend to agree with most of it!
January 04, 2009
Gal Friday said…
Glad to have somehow stumbled upon your blog today...love this "life rules" kitty style.
January 11, 2009
P.L. Frederick said…
My cat will be pleased to learn this, Gal Friday. Glad you enjoyed it!
January 11, 2009
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shovel Trouble

Hey. You know how it snowed? And there was snow on your car? Well I’ve got a surprise for you. It‘s not any more! I know. Let’s jump up and down. How’d the magic happen, right? Well I went outside in the cold and cleaned it off. You're very welcome, my pleasure, no trouble at all. I almost enjoyed being outside in the fresh air. Anything for you. Oh, by the way. Just a small thing. In the future, maybe after the rainy season, you may see a tiny bit of rust. Like a line of it here and there. Mostly on top of the car but also on the hood and trunk areas. Roughly where snow would be if your good friend here hadn’t cleaned it off wayyyy back in winter. Brrrrrrr, right? Gosh it‘s cold. From the shovel scratches, silly. You shovel snow, you don’t kiss it away. I was shoveling the sidewalk and the next thing you know I was being helpful to you. Steel-bladed shovels work great! Yeah, let’s go see how great it looks. Look there. Isn’t that friendly, that one almost says “Hi!”
Read more

15 Albums That Changed My Life, Not That You Asked

Soundtrack to Disney’s feature length animation, “101 Dalmations,” played on my red portable record player/briefcase — Cruella De Vil rocked. The chorus sings how she made her husband take her last name. What a woman! Too bad about her puppy-skin coat fetish. (And that fat ugly husband.) Debbie Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” — For a third grader who enjoyed singing herself to sleep with sad tunes like “Leaving On a Jet Plane” and “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” this was I-T, in feathered hair. My younger brother’s musical selections — These included classics by Donald Duck, Alvin & the Chipmunks, and Wonder Woman’s theme song. I admired his musical maturity and confidence, especially with the 8-track tapes. Cory Hart, “Boy In the Box” — He wore sunglasses at night. ABC, “How To Be a Zillionaire” — How do I? That K-Tel one with “My Boyfriend’s Back,” “Leader of the Pack,” and “It’s My Party (and I’ll Cry If I Want To)” on it — I find my niche! Alas, I was born 20 years too lat
Read more

You're On My Mind, For $1,000

Image
It has not escaped me that I have a somewhat profuse forehead. Or rather, a fivehead. The “high forehead” was thought to be much attractive in the 15th through 16th centuries, when wealthy gentleladies plucked their way to highbrowed beauty. Admirers took note of the greater brainpan and refined intelligence. (“My, my. Look at thee fo’ead on that one. Hubba hubba.”) Alas, today we no longer live in the Middle Ages, those pox-filled days of easy beauty. Those of us left behind, showing proof of high intelligence as we do, need to make do. So.... One day, a dame with a dome has a bright idea: Advertising Revenue. Then an even better, more refined idea: But a genius idea needs geniuses to buy into it. That’s where you come in. For example, say you’re an overpaid advertising executive. You’re gearing up to promote a dentist, electronics giant, and/or hemorrhoid creme. Or household goods and Sea-Monkeys. I don’t need to explain to you the power of the visual medium. So, without further ado.
Read more