Small & Big

Those are wonder drugs that promote “male enhancement.” I like that. I like that it makes better men; better at whatever they can be better at: singing, cooking, vacuuming, surfing, skiing, poetry, buying presents, being peaceful, thoughtful, gentle, being all muscley. Through the wonders of genetic science, something so tailored to each man's needs, wow, it's a miracle. Heck, give them to the females too. Have everybody take them. What? No? It’s a euphemism for “penis hardener”? Oh. That is a disappointment.

I just discovered him. I just enjoyed him. Lord Likely, aristocratic adventurer and gentle-man of action, is an astonishing chap. I’m not sure why, really, as his posts are unfinished. And rather lewd. See for yourself: www.lordlikely.com . Be sure to sign up for his Twitters at twitter.com/lordlikely .

As a fan of Building #19 (motto: Good Stuff Cheap) (and where it helps to believe Cheap Stuff Good), even I had sworn that I would never, ever, ever purchase food there. Ya-uck. Busted up cartons of pie, next to tires and Maxim magazine hair dye. Sure, I’d buy food at Ocean State Job Lot (Peace mango peach passion cereal, $2.50). The Lot is nearly as icky as the #19, but right next door is the name-brand grocery selling the same cereal ($6.50) and so it’s like they’re GIVING me $4 a box. Tonight that all changed. I walked in and the food aisles were GLOWING. They’d been moved to a separate area, well-lit and a good 40 feet from the dusty wool area rugs (no price because I’m allergic). There I was, traipsing under Jerry Ellis’s larger-than-life caricature, my rusty Meijer’s store shopping cart jammed with gluten-free pretzels (Ener-G sesame pretzel rings, $0.39) and orange chocolate chip cookies (Newman’s organic, $1.29). I had to stop twice to tear off the brown tape impeding...

A guy in Tokyo believes he can: he married a video game character. (Go to article.) That Cialis “male enhancement” drug there, it won't help.

Put them on, two legs at a time Refer to them as “leg warmers” Hide shy knees Pretend your legs are locked up and you gotta walk like an upside-down V Patch them, so you can be a clown called Patches Philosophicalize on there being a “pair ” of pants, or worse yet, a “single” “pair” of pants Take them to dinner and a movie Learn the scientific names of all the bones between your ankle and hip in Pig Latin Wear tight ones, stand for 24 hours, win at Touch-A-Car Check out other pants Employ leg hole as hamster/mouse/cricket tunnel Wear them backwards and upside down. What an ugly shirt. Act like you say “trousers” all the time Climb a tree with easy branches (this isn’t funny but it’s fun) Catch a fart Collect pocket lint, insert in belly button Opps, zip up your fly Wonder why it’s called a “fly” Giggle, because underneath these clothes you’re NAKED Walk tall, on stilts Jin...

My favorite starts at the 1:23 minute mark. Heh heh! Is the video more funny or less funny because of star fisherman Bill Dance ’s lack of humor? I saw this posted on Laugh Lines , a New York Times blog that I highly recommend you check out there, Poopy Pants.

If you’re near lovely Cohasset, Massachusetts this SUNday, near Boston’s South Shore, skedaddle your hiney over for an honest-to-goodness cartoon of yourself, drawn by Bill White. Wouldn’t any parent or grandparent love a funny drawing of you for the holidays? Sure! Frame it and it’ll make an affordable, memorable gift. Hot dawg! You might know Bill from his Ren & Stimpy animating stint, or you might know him as a Building 19 cartoonist. Either way, he’s one awesome draw-er. HOLLY-DAYS FAIR at the Our World Children’s Global Discovery Museum 100 Sohier Street Cohasset, MA 12 to 4 P.M. Admission: $5 per person ($20 per family) More details on Bill’s blog here: An Offer You Can’t Refuse

...to screech one’s writing to a halt. That, dear reader, is why I haven't been posting frequently. Sigh. On the up side, spammers have tweaked their email subject headings for the funnier. Today I received a pseudo-Viagra email founded on “weenie” and “oak tree.”

I recently turned 40. As a birthday gift my health care insurer kindly increased my fees $70 a month. Boy, I sure must be valuable! Blue Cross, here’s a thank-you note just for you: Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts, You gave me quite an ego boost there! I discovered that turning 40 increased my value 25%. When I called the Massachusetts government’s Health Connector thing to find out why I was now valued at $xxx a month, on the cheap-o plan, the lady said insurance fees usually increase every five years, for the rest of my life. I said, “That’s crazy.” But I meant “crazy” as in “I’m so honored.” She said, “I know.” So the only way to reduce my value will be death. Or taxes. I forget how that saying goes. (When I was 39 I knew.*) Hey, could you take my temperature, I feel a bit ill? Ha ha! Just kidding!* We both know you don’t provide “actual” health care. Just the illusion of it, ...