Small & Big

“This here Cheese Class is two and a half hours of tasting and history,” I tell Pablo. “Let’s do it. The lecture will convince my gastric brain, while my classmates’ infectious enjoyment will contaminate me.” Pablo looks confused. “But you don’t like cheese.” “And I’m the only one. Please don’t share my dysfunction with our classmates. With this class I will learn how to appreciate it. And who knows? Besides, we could make a profit on this. The class is $30. If we eat $31 we’ll be set. How difficult could that be at a gourmet food market? You like cheese. You can eat $31 easy.” “That’s a lot of cheese.” I sigh, patiently. We take our seats in class, at the big wooden table where two women breathlessly ask, “Don’t you just love cheese?” “Yesss,” I say. I will. I give them my knowingest nod. "Hello class, I am Hugo Petit, your cheese-monger," says our cheese-monger, Hugo Petit. I do not look at Pablo because giggling will blow my cover. Our monger advises, “The k...

So, people from the UK, Ireland, New Zealand, and Australia like word play jokes. North Americans enjoy funnies where someone else looks inferior. Europeans make light of stuff that otherwise gives them anxiety (superior Americans?). It's true, because I read it on the Internet. Plus LaughLab ran a year-long scientific experiment to find the world's funniest joke ( go to LaughLab or go to CNN article ). The country that most enjoys any joke? Those silly Germans ( go to CNN article ).

A near miss with the mashed potatoes and I thunk up this... Q. What keeps Thanksgiving dinner out of your eyes? A. Gobble-goggles.

"Spit out your gum," Mom says, holding out her hand so you can spit into it. "How can anyone fit such a big wad of gum into their mouth in the first place? Geez." She isn't actually inviting an answer, so when you thoughtfully describe the process—how to carefully open the package of chewing gum, unwrap an individually sized piece, insert it into the mouth-shaped part of your face, and move your jaw muscles thusly, which enables your teeth to open and close like this—she will completely zone out. Or worse. To keep your gum chewing options open, next time try a new tactic: bonafide scientific research. Read Forget What Your Heard in School, Chewing Gum Activates Your Brain on Ezinearitcles.com ( go there ). Tell Mom, "According to researchers, a person can improve memory up to 28% and increase IQ scores by 15 points just by chewing gum." As you walk (quickly) away, casually add, "Gum chewing makes you smarter. For instance, I don't invite peop...

So I have this dream last night. Is it sexy? Can I fly to Jupiter by stretching out my arms? Are my fingernails talking to me? Am I sitting on a public toilet eating artisanal cheeses? Nope. It’s simply the end of the school year and I’ve come to say goodbye to my bus driver. There’s Stephen Colbert, sitting in the driver’s seat. He lets me on the bus and I say usual things like, “Thanks, getting to school this year has been really fun.” I ask if he’s planning to be a school bus driver next year. “No,” he says. “No, I’ll be too busy.” We chuckle. It’s absurd that he’s been driving a bus this year, getting to work at a crazy 6 am, driving screaming kids around until 3:30 pm, then flying to New York City to tape his show. I figure he took the gig as something to fall back on in case The Colbert Report didn’t work out. Evidently, the show’s doing okay.

Me: "Knock-knock." You: "Who's there?" Me: "Lettuce." You: "Lettuce who?" Me: "Lettuce in!" Ha ha ha! (Insert cricket noises here.) When I'm the only person laughing it's like the sound of one hand clapping. Next time perhaps I should do a little genetic screening on my audience and get me the best crop of listeners possible. I get the idea from happiness researchers, who say that giggles, chuckles, and guffaws arise from a mixture of circumstances, habitual thought, and—gasp!—genetics. My bad jokes are not my fault. Isn't that funny? You can read more at Set Point Match (go to story) .

"As a kid, The Six Million Dollar Man was my favorite teevee show," Pablo says. We're at the local home improvement store, walking past the wrenches and sockets. I ask him if he ever wanted to have any of Steve Austin's bionic body parts. "Oh yeah. Of all the body parts, as a kid I always chose the legs," Pablo answers, putting a tool down. "My reasoning being that you get two of them. Steve Austin only has one bionic arm so that's not really an option. And the bionic eye, that's fun—the doll's got that natural hole in his head that you can see through. But a bionic eye is ultimately creepy. The leg is the only bionic part he has two of, because having just one would be useless. Real legs go regular speed." Huh. We can run only as fast as our slowest leg. Learn about The Six Million Dollar Man on NostalgiaCentral.com.

During the Middle Ages it was believed that when a person sneezed, the heart stopped and death could easily occur. Gesundeit , which is German for "good health to you", and God bless you are still said after someone sneezees. Hey, we help where we can. According to doctors of today the heart doesn't pause, but amazing things can still happen: Man Coughs Up Nail 35 Years After Accident (go to story) .

There’s hardly nothing more enjoyable than spending a sunny afternoon watching beehives. It’s busy. Every second, bee bombardiers take off. Their flights take them up to three miles away, and they return laden with cargo. Thousands of bees share the same flight path, without even one aircraft traffic controller to guide them. Some return so weighted down with yellow, orange, or black pollen that they can barely walk, let alone fly. A fuzzy brown stiped bee plunks down on the landing ramp, waddles into the hive, and has her pack unloaded by a younger hive bee. Then back outside she goes, because a honeybee never ever stops working. Over her life, a honeybee performs most every job in the hive, her body adapting and sometimes growing different appendages for each. She starts with the humblest and ends with the best. From the moment a little bee breaks out of her mathematically perfect honeycomb cell, she starts cleaning and keeping brood warm. Then she graduates to feeding y...

Even under the hardest of life's circumstances it's natural for people not just to survive, but to thrive. Don't underestimate yourself. Check out the science behind this by reading an article called Bouncing Back , about Dr. Peter Ubel and his work ( go to the article ). Dr. Ubel is a researcher, professor of medicine and psychology, and author of You're Stronger Than You Think: Tapping into the Secrets of Emotionally Resilient People ( see on Amazon ). The article mentions gems like: "Social support is helpful, but not as important as you might think. In fact, a study... indicates that people are actually happier when they give support and help to others than when they receive it!" Related Small & Big post: You Are No Longer A Baby Elephant

There's been a lot of news talk about the National Association of Evangelicals. This evangelical group has been at the forefront against civil rights efforts to allow homosexuals to marry one another in the United States. The president of the association, Rev. Ted Haggard of the New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, has had the troubles lately. He's admitted to a secret homosexual relationship with a prostitute ( MSNBC article ). The cynic in me initially thought, "So it's okay for a man to have sex with another man, just not a relationship." But Mr. Haggard has been seeing the same prostitute for three years. That's gotta fit some definition of a long-term relationship. We all know physical attraction is often the first step on the path to love. Now that Rev. Haggard's truth is out in the light let's hope it helps heal the self-hatred and fear he's undoubtedly felt for so long, being attracted to men but having a public persona against i...

Tell people you go to ‘B’ school and most assume you’re getting an MBA. Some will become terribly excited, as if getting a business degree were something healthy for you and positive for humanity. “Yeah, it’s a 6-week program,” you can say. “Three hours per week. It’s setting me back 36.” They blink. Confused, they’ll say, “Intense program. You mean—but only $36,000?” “No, $36 including the book.” Pause here for dramatic effect. “I’m going to Bee School. B-E-E.” Ha ha ha! After completing the course, display your Bee School Certificate of Completion proudly. Add “Completed B School” to your resume. If potential employers assume, they assume. Let Bee School open doors for you that were previously closed.