Cialis, Viagra, Levitra, And Such

Those are wonder drugs that promote “male enhancement.” I like that. I like that it makes better men; better at whatever they can be better at: singing, cooking, vacuuming, surfing, skiing, poetry, buying presents, being peaceful, thoughtful, gentle, being all muscley. Through the wonders of genetic science, something so tailored to each man's needs, wow, it's a miracle. Heck, give them to the females too. Have everybody take them.

What? No? It’s a euphemism for “penis hardener”? Oh. That is a disappointment.

Lord Likely Discovered, Enjoyed

I just discovered him. I just enjoyed him. Lord Likely, aristocratic adventurer and gentle-man of action, is an astonishing chap. I’m not sure why, really, as his posts are unfinished. And rather lewd. See for yourself: www.lordlikely.com.

Be sure to sign up for his Twitters at twitter.com/lordlikely.

I Crossed A Line At Building #19

As a fan of Building #19 (motto: Good Stuff Cheap) (and where it helps to believe Cheap Stuff Good), even I had sworn that I would never, ever, ever purchase food there. Ya-uck. Busted up cartons of pie, next to tires and Maxim magazine hair dye. Sure, I’d buy food at Ocean State Job Lot (Peace mango peach passion cereal, $2.50). The Lot is nearly as icky as the #19, but right next door is the name-brand grocery selling the same cereal ($6.50) and so it’s like they’re GIVING me $4 a box.

Tonight that all changed. I walked in and the food aisles were GLOWING. They’d been moved to a separate area, well-lit and a good 40 feet from the dusty wool area rugs (no price because I’m allergic). There I was, traipsing under Jerry Ellis’s larger-than-life caricature, my rusty Meijer’s store shopping cart jammed with gluten-free pretzels (Ener-G sesame pretzel rings, $0.39) and orange chocolate chip cookies (Newman’s organic, $1.29). I had to stop twice to tear off the brown tape impeding the back wheels (or was that really thick toilet paper (generic brand, $1.39)?).

Maybe it was the economy. Or maybe it was inevitable, like a gay man’s fateful appreciation of show tunes, whether he likes it or not. (It starts with Shirley Basey. She’s FABulous.) Either way, I crossed a line at Building #19.

Could You Play One Video Game For The Rest Of Your Life?

A guy in Tokyo believes he can: he married a video game character. (Go to article.) That Cialis “male enhancement” drug there, it won't help.

Stuff To Do In Pants

1. Put them on, two legs at a time
2. Refer to them as “leg warmers”
3. Hide shy knees
4. Pretend your legs are locked up and you gotta walk like an upside-down V
5. Patch them, so you can be a clown called Patches
6. Philosophicalize on there being a “pair ” of pants, or worse yet, a “single” “pair” of pants
7. Take them to dinner and a movie
8. Learn the scientific names of all the bones between your ankle and hip in Pig Latin
9. Wear tight ones, stand for 24 hours, win at Touch-A-Car
10. Check out other pants
11. Employ leg hole as hamster/mouse/cricket tunnel
12. Wear them backwards and upside down. What an ugly shirt.
13. Act like you say “trousers” all the time
14. Climb a tree with easy branches (this isn’t funny but it’s fun)
15. Catch a fart
16. Collect pocket lint, insert in belly button
17. Opps, zip up your fly
18. Wonder why it’s called a “fly”
19. Giggle, because underneath these clothes you’re NAKED
20. Walk tall, on stilts
21. Jingle pocket change to Ride of the Valkyries
22. Wonder why kids get big pants to grow into and adults get small pants to shrink into
23. Don’t dance the mamba, that’s a snake.

The Austin Powers Of Fishing [video]

My favorite starts at the 1:23 minute mark. Heh heh!



Is the video more funny or less funny because of star fisherman Bill Dance’s lack of humor?

I saw this posted on Laugh Lines, a New York Times blog that I highly recommend you check out there, Poopy Pants.

Your Face Here

If you’re near lovely Cohasset, Massachusetts this SUNday, near Boston’s South Shore, skedaddle your hiney over for an honest-to-goodness cartoon of yourself, drawn by Bill White. Wouldn’t any parent or grandparent love a funny drawing of you for the holidays? Sure! Frame it and it’ll make an affordable, memorable gift. Hot dawg!

You might know Bill from his Ren & Stimpy animating stint, or you might know him as a Building 19 cartoonist. Either way, he’s one awesome draw-er.

HOLLY-DAYS FAIR
at the Our World Children’s Global Discovery Museum
100 Sohier Street
Cohasset, MA
12 to 4 P.M.
Admission: $5 per person ($20 per family)

More details on Bill’s blog here: An Offer You Can’t Refuse

There's Nothing Like A Writing Class

...to screech one’s writing to a halt. That, dear reader, is why I haven't been posting frequently. Sigh. On the up side, spammers have tweaked their email subject headings for the funnier. Today I received a pseudo-Viagra email founded on “weenie” and “oak tree.”

Health Insurance: Turning 40 Is A 25% Increase

I recently turned 40. As a birthday gift my health care insurer kindly increased my fees $70 a month. Boy, I sure must be valuable! Blue Cross, here’s a thank-you note just for you:

Dear Blue Cross Blue Shield of Massachusetts,

You gave me quite an ego boost there! I discovered that turning 40 increased my value 25%. When I called the Massachusetts government’s Health Connector thing to find out why I was now valued at $xxx a month, on the cheap-o plan, the lady said insurance fees usually increase every five years, for the rest of my life. I said, “That’s crazy.” But I meant “crazy” as in “I’m so honored.” She said, “I know.” So the only way to reduce my value will be death. Or taxes. I forget how that saying goes. (When I was 39 I knew.*)

Hey, could you take my temperature, I feel a bit ill? Ha ha! Just kidding!* We both know you don’t provide “actual” health care. Just the illusion of it, wrapped in sparkly red wrapping paper that I say to symbolize black and white insurance forms with teensy check boxes and “HMO” and “Tier 1” and “PCP” (Ha hah! Talk about a “drug” plan!); because, after all, I don’t pay doctors or hospitals, I pay you, you take a profit and then you give some to doctors or hospitals. O’ course, first they need to spend 50% of their week filling out your red wrapping paper to complete the circle of giving.

That is, if I ever needed a doctor or hospital. Either way, you keep my moolah. This is nice because it provides a built-in thank-you gift from me: my way of giving back. Cheers!

Fondly,
P.L. Frederick

* A little joke. Please don’t take this as evidence that I am in anything less than perfect health, or that I use my insurance, for anything, ever. We know what that’d do to my valuation!