Small & Big

My pedometer rarely sees an opportunity to count past 5,000 steps these days. Shameful. So today I drove an hour to spend the gray misty day walking in an art museum. There's lots of irony in warming up and cooling down from a walk by planting one's keister in a car. Still, spending a cold-to-the-bone day at a nifty art museum, getting cultured up, and walking for hours and hours and hours isn't a bad way to spend the day. That makes the Peabody Essex Museum ( website ) in Salem, Massachusetts a $13 walking track. Except that a bunch of art gets in the way of a truly aerobically stimulating workout. After three hours I walk six rooms total, because some guy named Joseph Cornell ( about ) left boxes everywhere. Boxes, magazines, parrots, and some hot girl balloon ( see photo ). And it's all firmly glued down. Even the boxes from way back in 1935. But with what? How could glue that old still hold? How could I increase my pedometer's step count in the midst of a Glue...

Years ago, in the ancient time before convection ovens, Tivo, and Go-gurt portable yogurt, there was a man. A bald, white man. Some say this man is the greatest writer of the English language who ever lived, or could live. This is spoken proudly, and in English. The man? William Shakespeare, the infamous Bard of Avon. That’s how we spell his name now, anyway. Back in the Middle Ages the spelling of names wasn’t so fixed, and Will’s last name was also spelled Shaxper or Shakspere. (Parents, teachers, and self, take note! Somone hoo cant speel wel kud stil beecum a fameus poeit an plaa rite.) However you spell it, his writing shows a delightful ability with the feather pen and ink splots. What is often overlooked is his advertising prowess. He had gobs of it. Case in point: Between 1595 and 1596 he composed an historical product placement, the fossilized remains of which are found buried deep within the play, Love’s Labour Lost , Act V, Scene I:    ...

As my three regular readers know, there has been quite a mystery concerning one of Small and Big's favorite quotations. The mystery was discussed indepthly in an earlier post, My Joke Collection (#5) , which I highly recommend you peruse if only to beef up your reading skills, which are sorely lacking on this planet, judging from the number of people who don't read this blog. "Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live." Who authored that pithy birthday comment? Who could solve this mystery and bring closure to the matter? I'm no investigative journalist but at one point I nearly tried sleuthing on Google, but got quickly sidetracked by the infinite words one can type into it: "jello farm", "ribald tap dancing", "crabs and blue blood", "ear puppet", "Thumb Wars" ( go there ), and "why do my pinky toes point out like that?" Abracadabra! Not one hour ago the answer found me. I was ga...

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Boston, Massachusetts | April 25, 2007 | It has been widely released on the Internet, as everything on the Internet is, that Small and Big has received top honors in a critique of major importance, as all critiques are. Of five blog reviews listed, Small and Big takes first place, largely because it is listed at the top of the page. The honor was bestowed by Critique My Blog at critiquemyblog.blogspot.com . "We are overjoyed," squeals Small and Big 's Chief CEO of Turnips, P.L. Frederick. "We sleepily turned on our email this morning (yawn) to find a wonderous message from the gentleman over there at Critique My Blog , who kindly notified us of the review. Truly, Mr. Critique My Blog is unexcelled in his capacity for wise discernment and excellent taste. Really good taste." Frederick's pie chart and Microsoft Excel spreadsheets depict the role psychology played in the ranking. "If you take into consideration the human propensit...

At right is a photo of two chimpanzees. The one standing is Knuckles, he's seven years old and he has cerebral palsy, a serious neurological disorder that affects the brain and muscles. In "Almost Human, and Sometimes Smarter," New York Times writer John Noble Wilford shares the touching behavior of our closest relatives, the Chimpanzee family. "Devyn Carter of Emory described the sympathetic response to a chimp named Knuckles, who was afflicted with cerebral palsy. No fellow chimp was seen to take advantage of his disability. Even the alpha male gently groomed Knuckles." Do apes have empathy? Does Knuckles' baby-like behavior cause other apes to treat him like a baby? Is the answer a little of both? Perhaps a more essential understanding comes from pondering this: What does this brief story of caring mean for you? More on Knuckles: Wilford: Almost Human, and Sometimes Smarter - iraqwarit Observed in the wild and tested in captivity, chimpanzees invite co...

By Patience X. Claymation Amazing... Yet it's 100% true! Scientific research has recently found an easy way to lose unwanted weight—as much as 14 pounds a year (that's 6.35029318 kilograms)—and without diet pills, surgery, exercise, fads, or gimmicks! In fact, you do NOTHING but sleep! And I'll show you how, RIGHT NOW! "I started the easy-to-use program and already lost 5 pounds!" —P.L. Frederick The weight loss is real—and real easy. And the cost? For you, today: absolutely free. There's no reason "they" have to convince you to buy any product or service. You pay nothing—not now, not ever! No corporation will make money from it. No late night commercial will be made about it. No pseudo-pharmaceutical company will manufacture it into a sparkly gold pill printed with pink flowers. There's no reason whatsoever to overpower your brain and your wallet with EXCITED exclamation points urging you to HURRY up and send money NOW, quantities are limited! ...

Click image above for larger view So you want your fortune read, huh? Well, given the popularity of franchises such as The Home Depot and Lowe's Home Improvement, I've moved to the do-it-yourself model. It saves you big bucks and it saves me from potential lawsuits should you decide to deviate your life from this bonafide, unchangeable, 100% accurate fortune. Click the image above to see your fortune more clearly and to get instructions on how to intrepret it (you'll probably need to scroll to the right to see the whole shebang). Bring a solar-powered calculator, a basic understanding of icons and color theory, pretzels, a wool sweater, and for seeing into the future, a telescope. This is my drawing for the Illustration Friday ( IF website ) assignment, this time to illustrate "Fortune". Sorry if it turned out kind of snotty looking. I was trying for a humorous Monty Python angle but, now that it's posted it's, well, it's not so much. But what's do...

Today doesn't have to be just another ho-hum day. Here's a merry little undertaking for you and a pair of orange floaties: 1) Go to maps.google.com 2) Click on "Get Directions". 3) Specify "From: London" and "To: New York" 4) Click the "Get Directions" button 5) Do line #37 {2008 update: Unfortunately, Google fixed this “bug.” It now knows not to give make-believe Chunnel directions.}

The bedroom air has a slight wintery chill, like it's been out all night. I work up the nerve to uncover a warm toasty foot to the cold workaday air. Gradually, the memory of the dream I passed through moments before returns to me. A pink angel-fairy woman about the length of a baby hovers, Tinkerbell style. Her gentle but sure voice explains any number of truths to me, now forgotten. All but one—a memory of a memory echoes deep in my ear. It is the last thing she said before I awoke to warm cozy green flannel sheets. "Even mathematics cares," she says. "The whole world, it cares for you. It loves and it waits and there will come a day when humanity discovers that even mathematics cares." Eyes looking up to a painted white ceiling, I let the three words swirl within me. "Even mathematics cares," I whisper again and again, nourished by two promises. The first, that infinite numbers, tall quiet pine trees, books, even weapons care for us. And the se...

Look no further, Dear Reader, for today I hast added more poems to my Poems, Poems, Poems posting. There's no humor involved though—not even a sorry half-way attempt. But feel free to laugh if you like. And if you have any advice or what-not, post a comment to let me know. I'd love to hear from you! If you're instead craving the weird taste of humor, I totally understand. Sniff, sniff. Wipe eyes. Try "Comments On My Short Story I've Received From My Creative-Writing Classmates" over at McSweeneys ( go there ). Then come back here and use 'em on me! Or, if you'd appreciate a nice lift, take a gander at Cute Overload ( go there ). Tee hee! Geez. That's three exclaimation points used today. What's that about? Such usage is not very poetratrical of me. Poemismal? Poetryish? Awh, heck. They'll let just about anyone use words nowadays.

Want a chuckle today? Go see Owen the orange cat’s photo on Rick Rockhill’s blog ( go to Palm Springs Savant ). For the full effect, first stare at my hairless sphynx kitty, Orphy (at right, not to scale) for 30 seconds before clicking over. Owen appears to have eaten a lion. Here are a couple cat thingies from Small and Big : Toilet Training – Print out the handy-dandy drawing (Not So) Fresh Lullaby – Unfortunately, it’s nonfiction My Joke Collection (#20) – Pigs, by way of cats and dogs

According to my highly scientific enounter with a multiple choice questionnaire, I sleep in the esteemed Sleepbelt position. Safety first! It's curious how they know so much about me, but that's science for you. Here I am, going through life knowing only what goes on when I fall asleep and when I wake up. Now, thanks to what must certainly be years of research by devoted Sleep Researchers carefuly analyzing me with rulers, writing instruments, and calculators as I sleep, I know what goes on the the middle there. Apparently, it has something to do with a restraining system that keeps me safely tucked in at night. Nevermore shall I concern myself with worries of falling out of bed and onto my dog, who will bite me. However, in the drawing, which person am I? The person who's more of a person or the person who's more of a belt? Am I a woman or a man? Am I wearing pants or shorts? Does this couple symbolize my two halves? Or do they represent the passage of time—one is...

If you're interested in this sort of thing, there's a talk on spiritual healing coming up on April 5 at the Quincy Marriott. If you're curious, this is your chance to learn more. The speaker is Malcolm Smith and I'll type in some stuff from the green flyer I have here: An Open Discussion on Spiritual Healing Thursday, April 5, 2007 Lecture starts at 7:30pm sharp (doors open at 7pm) Marriott at Crown Colony, Quincy, Massachusetts Malcolm Smith, an internationally renowned British spiritual healer, will share his experiences as a healer. He'll talk on various topics, such as past lives and the history of mediumship in the United Kingdom, and have a question and answer period. The evening ends with healing for all. All are welcome. Suggested donation: $15. Malcolm's amazing journey has brought him from the coal mines of Yorkshire to the life of an itinerant healer. Lost sight, hearing, and "incurable" diseases have been cured through him. Malcolm consider...