Small & Big

I saw this cartoon in last week's New Yorker magazine. (Just like Playgirl , I read it for the cartoons.) I wouldn't normally catalog something so new in my classics file, but I knew as soon as I saw it I had to have it here. Over the years I've thought a lot about this tree-standing-up thing, primarily while sitting or laying down. Two trees. One sitting in a chair, says, “I’m tired.” A couple years back I took a trip to Florida with my better half, Pablo. I urged us along on a side trip to visit a character billed as "The Senator" ( web page ). The Senator is North America's oldest tree, older than you—said to be a respectable 3,500 years of age. When we arrive the "park" is like someone's overgrown backyard forest: dirt road, no mowed areas, no advertising spiel. We follow the broken sign for about 100 feet, until our path is blocked by a scary metal chain link fence that—holy cow! I look up at this huge baldcypress tree. Amidst my awe I thi...

Favorite cartoony number two? A dog and cat duo from Mother Goose and Grimm 's Mike Peters ( grimmy.com ). Click the picture there and a big version'll pop up in a new window. If you have trouble following cartoon panels (that used to be me!) or aren't interested in clicking the picture, the drawing goes like this:      Doggie: "Sniff sniff (pole). Sniff (fire hydrant).      Sniff sniff (brick wall)."      Cat: "Grimm, what are you doing?"      Doggie: "I'm checking my p-mail." Har har har! Funny animule drawings, the word pee , and a pun. If humans were as nose-centric as dogs there'd be more research and development money spent on perfecting something truly useful: Smell-O-Vision. Scented websites, mirrors, and movies. Think about the possibilities for truthful advertising: "No really, this movie does stink!" If you like doing cartoons but can't draw, the Dayton Daily News newspaper ...

Humor is everywhere—even in your toilet plumbing. Especially there. Case in point: Go down to your basement and grab Black & Deckers’ Complete Guide to Home Plumbing , the 3rd edition. It’s okay, we’ll wait. Lah dee dah. Humm dee dum dee—Back already? Okay, now read the joke on page 132. “What do you get if you cross a toilet with a food disposer?” If you think the answer is “Ummm, sick?” you’d be wrong. Read on. “It may not be the most pleasant combination to consider, but the answer is a macerating toilet.” Macerating toilet! “Macerate,” you ask, “as in ‘to soak fruit or other food in liquid in order to soften and flavor it with the liquid’?” Sure! I guess. Keep reading. “Based on the grinder-and-pump unit that is installed next to or behind the toilet, a macerating toilet grinds waste finely enough that it can be pumped upward through a ¾-inch pipe and evacuated...

Okay, so my next assignment in gettin’ funny is to gather together my favorite cartoons and captions. Here’s the first and it’s a doozy by that master of masters, Gary Larson of The Far Side ( farside.com ). The obese cartoon kid puts everything he has into pushing the door open—underneath a big “PULL” sign. Showing somebody pushing on a door clearly marked Pull is funny in and of itself, but even more funny when the caption points out that this is a genius kid attending the Midvale School for the Gifted. More than being amusing, this cartoon teaches a lesson. Why, every time I pull a Push door or push a Pull door I take a moment to reflect that I, too, am a genius and shan’t be bothered by things that require nary a common thought. Catch the Gary Larson article at salon.com . And then there's Wikipedia .

It's fascinating to see one's words analyzed by a professional. "Professional what," you ask. A professional faceless, bodyless computer thingy. Called TagCrowd. I've been pasting my blog stories into TagCrowd so that it can digest 'em and then cough up the most frequent words I used. But when I plug in Death In The Kitchen —which is an attempt to amuse all creatures currently on Earth as of ADE 2007—TagCrowd displays it as a kind of evil. Words like clunk, death, door, ice, and stale show up most. Sigh. On one of my usual days I would make the sweeping generalization that computers don't "get" "my" "work". I would boldly type about the prejudices I face, trying to bring my brand of artifical humor to the artificially intelligent. Then, because it has been proven by clowns the world over that nothing is funnier, I'd throw a pi in their face. "What face," you ask. "You're anthropomorphizing." In m...

Everybody with hay fever: raise your hand. Hmmm, one, two, three, four, five... 1,852,003... 690,407,899... Okay, I see that I'm not alone in this. Allergies are becoming more and more popular with us humans. Hopefully it's just a phase us Homo sapiens are going through—like acne, disco, and the Crusades. Some foods exacerbate allergic reactions. (Chamomile tea is a big one. If you've got allergies to pollen and flowers, stay away from this stuff. Uck. Flowers make the prettiest headaches.) Last weekend I found out something that surprised me: eating raw apples, pears, and carrots can be a big no-no. According to the magazine insert in my Sunday newspaper, Parade Magazine ( go there ), these delicious foods "contain a protein that resembles pollen and causes a reaction in people who have pollen allergies." Just because something is "natural" doesn't mean it's healthy for all people, all the time, I guess. Here's an allergy-to-food low-down ...

Herd’s racing fast this morning, driven by a collective inner urge to keep moving, just keep moving. We tear over the charcoal gray trail, tracked smooth and hard as new asphalt. I quickly close in on the slow silver beast with soft rust spots. I curve into the fast lane and pass the old thing with a flourish, careful not to cut in front of him too closely and trip him up. Moments later I’m passed by a growly red Ram leading a troupe of luxury sedans. They swerve in front of me, their red eyes glowing back, unblinking in the early dawn. Fumes of oil exhaust cloud my nostrils and I snort. Hundreds of us wind over wavy hills, speeding up the inclines and coasting down the backsides. Young sunlight casts long teasing shadows. From afar we are a force of nature—a smooth, deliberate, fluid current running with singular purpose. But down here in the thick of it we keep one eye alert to dark overpasses, camouflaged silhouettes, any bush large enough to hide behind. High-stru...

Click image above for larger view Whether it's a child's birthday party, a circus, or just for fun, wearing a two-person horse costume means someone has to be the back. Being a good neighbor means letting others go first sometimes. Wish I hadn't made their armsies, eyes, and ears white—color contrast is too great. Maybe I'll change it tomorrow. It's been a couple weeks since I last participated in IF. Feels good to be back. This is my drawing for the Illustration Friday ( IF website ) assignment to illustrate "Neighbor".

By Small and Big’s on-staff “food” reviewer The future is here! Who’da thunk it’d arrive as peanut butter? There officially exists in the world something called PB 2 , Powdered Peanut Butter, by Bell Plantation (go there) in Georgia, USA. I know this because a friend gave me a half jar of it. Why? Because it’s weird, has 75% less fat, isn’t bad, and is half eaten. It’s the perfect gift for me. Actually, PB 2 is surprisingly good—just a bit flatter tasting when compared to regular butter o’ peanuts. (Unfortunately, folks allergic to peanuts would still be allergic to it.) I figure the manufacturing process goes like this: 1) Take a peanut 2) Squeeze the heck out of it 3) Put the powdered stuff in a peanut butter container      and the oily stuff in a peanut oil container It’s edible in powdered form but is really meant to be turned back into peanut butter by you, the “consumer.” Jus...

I’ve just spent the last half hour stuck in cute overload. Literally. Cute Overload will make anyone, even you, all giggley inside. World peace starts here. Lock all the world’s leaders in one room and make them study these cuties. Who can be warmongering with giggly insides? It’s important to know the rules though: The Rules of Cuteness ( Cute Overload ) .

Commenting on blogs is a nice thing to do. It builds community, it lets the blog owner know who's reading, and you can sneak in a link to your own blog, which search engines count as a link and increase your blog's ranking. Everybody wins. Except—gasp!—I recently found out that Blogger, WordPress, and Moveable Type default to ignoring any links included in comments. I got the information from Randa Clay Design's posting on "I Follow" ( go there ). Explains it a lot better than I could. I have updated Small and Big 's code thinggies so that any comments and links you make will be noticed by Google and what-not. So add your comments to Small and Big and be sure to promote your blog or website by including a link. If you aren't sure how, here's an example: I have enjoyed Small and Big more than my freshly grilled cheese sandwich!!! Signed, Jane Doe <a href="yourblogurlgoesherestartingwithhttp://">Your Blog Name</a> Then click th...