Small & Big

Just in time for the holidays.

SNL Andy pop, pop, popping into the frame.

For optimum squinchiness, watch in full-screen mode. You’ll appreciate the high-quality video. I think it’s Beta. Drew Barrymore and pals on SNL.

I’m taking a blogging vacation this week (that’s where I don’t blog, not where I only blog). While I’m away enjoy a clip a day. That’s a poem because it rhymes. Moose watch at 0:50. SNL’s Amy Poehler doing Sarah Palin’s rap solo. Go Amy!

My town has what is kindly referred to as The Duxbury Mall. When a local says, “I got THIS from the Mall,” it means, roughly, “Look at the crap I got, for FREE, at the garbage dump!” You see, the town of Duxbury doesn’t have trash pick-up, which means that people chauffeur their garbage and recyclables to the town dump, often stopping at the Dunkin’ Donuts for a hot cocoa. Garbage hauling is thirsty business. At the Mall, junk that’s precious and not like plain-old-junk junk is set aside in a central area for fellow junkies. Shoplifting encouraged. Needless to say, I like to take the slow scenic drive and meander about the piles. One never knows what one may find. Bulldozers add to the excitement, scraping out the old junk to make room for fresh freebies. Legends abound. It is said that Patty’s spouse, in 2003, found a SkeeterVac mosquito killer, new in the box. I myself found 86 plastic wind-up toys that sat in my basement for three years...

Drat. There go my chances to unwittingly moon YouTube. Sign generators at www.signgenerator.org. Probably a spam site but, hey.

Fur Whiskers Fleas Pants

      Those battle-weary eyes.

      Papelbon throws a wicked heater too.

The pamphlet says here that the vines “will take over your garden and yard” and “grow 40-50 feet.” Forty to fifty feet? That’s like raising a giant squid. The hard way. Because, according to my calculations: Cost of three giant pumpkin seeds: $5. Cost of tractor and fork-lift attachment to handle pumpkin: $20,000. Giant pumpkin rotting in my front yard, its tendrils clinging to my home, grasping through my windows: priceless.

{Soundtrack: “Boom, shaka-boom...”} In their birthday suits, every kitty is a hairless Sphynx, eh? That’s my infamous Orphy , above.

Six years ago I went to the Marshfield county fair and left with an application for Bee School. Life changed significantly afterward, as can be seen by cupboards full of honey, homemade mead (nothing like that sweet crap sold in stores), and, of course, that degree from B School . Today I left the Topsfield fair carrying three giant pumpkin seeds and an instruction pamphlet. What can I say: who wouldn’t feel compelled to beat this year’s winning pumpkin weight of 1,400 pounds? The man in the Fruits and Vegetables Barn informed me that giant pumpkin growing is not a hobby but a sport. I started to argue but then remembered about Golf. On perusing the pamphlet, I saw another reason giant-pumpkin growing is very like golf: club fees. It takes $15 to become a member of the New England Giant Pumpkin Growers Association, or NEGPGA. (PGA!) I don’t know what I get for that. I expect it involves golf carts and a secret clubhouse sited inside a pumpkin, and is presided over by a...

Wait until the 1:25 minute mark of this Saturday Night Live skit and you’ll see Jeunesse, or Judy or Judith or Eunice, display her dainty little paws. Ain’t she a doll? Played magnificently (if that’s the right word) by SNL’s Kristen Wiig. Ar har har! Hee ho hah hah hah!

Har har! A friend just emailed this to me. Thought I’d share.

Eww Ugh Bluck Lack storage space for free samplers Busy reviewing the Pen Is Enhancement web site Gack Not up to date on my shots What, no googly eyes? You call that enhancement? Icky ick Retired from that career 10 years ago Maybe if you’da gone with “Wee Wee Enchantment” instead...

Peeping in a box of old books setting under my desk here, I see an ancient pamphlet from the 20th Century. The thing’s called something New Agey like, “HEALTH SECRETS FOR WOMEN.” (Today, we see all capital letters as screamy. In previous centuries it was thought to be Authoritative.) Before putting it in the recycling bin I came across an interesting bit, though I don’t know if it’s true. Do you? “ Protect your children’s eyes. Did you know that children develop myopia from reading? ...The Chinese urge their children to do something called palming. After every half hour of reading or close work, they rub their palms together until they tingle and then put their palms over their closed eyes, for 15-30 seconds. This technique involves sending energy to the eyes from the palm, which the Chinese consider a center of energy.” There isn’t a humorous point to this post. (It doesn’t even use a funny word like chigger .) Although, anyo...