Small & Big

Click image above for larger view Somebunny lives forever. Magical! This is my drawing for the Illustration Friday ( IF website ) assignment to illustrate "Trick Or Treat." Mine's both.

Koopa is a professional turtle artist who makes a living selling his paintings on eBay. Koopa's most recent painting is at right. The image changes every 7-10 days, which means he gets more done than I do. According to his website, Koopa the Box turtle "has been painting professionally for over 4 years." Supposedly, he treats the process as he would any enjoyable non-toxic mud bath. To me, this means he: 1) Locates mud 2) Real slow-like, gets into mud 3) Walks around slowly and muddily 4) Poops in mud (this part is optional) 5) Uploads mud to eBay and begins 10-day auction Don't turtles live for, like, 1,000 years? Over time this li'l hardshell could become as artistically developed and rock starry as Michelangelo, da Vinci, and Liberace combined. Minus the piano playing. Bored? I recommend going to eBay and perusing their "Weird Stuff" category. That's how I found Koopa and www.turtlekiss.com . Careful though, some of the eBay listings are nasty.

Oh boy! October 29th is coming! October 29th is coming! Yay! Here's your checklist from the people behind Positive People Day, VictoryOverViolence.org : ☐ Smile (often) ☐ Give a hug ☐ Thank someone ☐ Pay an unexpected compliment ☐ Share a laugh or a kind word ☐ Call your mother or a loved one By the end of the day you'll be feeling more positive! Exclamation point! Of course, every day is Positive People Day around here. Underdog is the day's official mascot: "Heeeeere I come to save the daaaaay." Underdog image from VictoryOverViolence.org . If you're into niceness, and I know you are, check out Nice Blog by the folks at Power of Nice .

Whales have to think to breathe. Can you imagine if people had to do that? I can't even remember where I put my keys. My next breath? What am I, psychic? If I were a whale I'd be deceased. That makes whales—breathing ones—smarter than me. I'm just sayin'. They probably swim better too. More info at Sleep in whales and Popular whale, dolphin, and porpoise questions . Nifty whale photo from National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Magazine .

As if a 1987 Buick Skyhawk weren't scary enough, imagine one being driven from one haunting to another by a real live literal-intrepretation-of-the-word-ghostwriter ghostwriter. Shiver. Picture paranormal investigator, writer, and humorist John Kachuba in his rusty steed, the Ghosthuntermobile. See them on adventures with blustery phantoms, wayward ghosts, speed limits, stop signs, midnight oil changes. Midnight underwear changes. Now imagine you're behind the wheel, that you're driving this spooky blue car, and that this somehow helps kids. Not that Casper the Ghost kid but real live kids. Fortunately, this ain't no Halloween apparition. The Ghosthuntermobile is up for auction and proceeds are being donated to the U.S. fund for UNICEF. Now's your chance to bid on something Mr. Kachuba describes as, "hand-painted with ghosts, demons, tombstones, and actual haunted houses by fine arts instructors at Ohio University... Since the radio doesn't work, you won...

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. Pay your exorcist or you'll get repossessed. Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents. She had a photographic memory but it was never developed. We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn't even afford to pay attention. Circus lions won't eat clowns because they taste funny. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you. The dead batteries were given out free of charge. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Image from The Flabbergasted Philosopher (puns too!). Other puns at Learning the Glad Surrender , Joshua.com , and Pun of the Day . For the backstory on why I'm doing this, read my previous post, I Can Learn To Be Funny?

As our five regular readers often observe, there are many words used in Small and Big that are well beyond its writer's capability. Well—ha HAH!—not this time. We are taking control over wordiness by making up our own definitions for words that the dictionary stubbornly insists are real. abrogate: scandal caused by the use of "Abracadabra!" to turn political opponents into squeaky old farmhouse gates (unfortunately, nobody noticed the change) carom: sound given off by your automobile as it meditates evince: an Web site convincingly selling men named Vince factotum: large timber sculptures carved with proven truths, revered by scientific and mathematical tribes gravid: an ardent gravy connoisseur, often distinguished by tan colored globs on his or her handlebar mustache orotund: what stock market analysts strive to be—big and round with tons of funds panjandrum: a pita pocket sandwich stuffed with panda bears, jam, and a drum set, and likely to cause heartburn, rabies,...

My dearest Photographic Picture Taking Device, It has been three days since I spied your Silvery Metallic Sheen displayed on eBay. In that Moment I wanted you, yearned to Possess you as my very own. What a Macro button you claimed to have! Oh, the yearning to intimately record the Visual Nature of my Award-winning Begonias and Morning Oatmeal for the entire Blogosphere. Click, click, click! I was Titillated at the thought of pressing your smooth, yielding Button. Sadly, something came between us. As in any great love story, Lover meets Lover and Lover loses Lover because She’s too Expensive. The proposed Cost of you as dictated by that famous Auction House was, shall we say, “My, my, my!”—a sum beyond even my Considerable Financial Ability. I recall now my sorrow as I turned my eyes from your single black eye, salty Tears sliding down my face like the Tears of a Clown. A sad Clown, not a happy Clown. A sad Clown who has left his or her Love on some Distant Shore...

Regular readers know how strongly I feel on this matter. The spoon is all-around proper for every food-related situation and I'll tell you why. Some of the reasons even involve eating. The original Mashed Potato Flinger™ Peaceful, non-threatening nature—unlike stabby fork, cutty knife Retains its thin profile no matter how many cream coated cheesecakes are imbibed Its middle name is "poo" Scoop after scoop, dependably measures one teaspoon A fogged up spoon dangling off the end of your snoz accessorizes a piercing or tattoo Spoonin' with a loved one Big round head, small body reminds you of adorable cartoon spoons Improved safety means it's easier for mothers to give birth to a kid with a silver spoon in its mouth Close cousin to the beloved shovel Natural funhouse mirrorness promotes playing with nostrils Cheaper than diamonds Ever watch someone eating ice cream with a knife and fork? For more info, please read my thought-provoking piece, The Spoon, Most Noble O...

My definitions are closer to the truth of the words. Do not thouest concur? Buttress: big booty support system Closet: what my cat does to my furniture, drapes, and the dog Contractor: someone with a prison record and a John Deere Delicate: a pastrami-shaped feline Divest: snazzy burial attire Friendship: the best cruiseline Gumbo: Gumby’s toothless twin brother Fandicap: good with hats Hermit: what a female teammate uses to catch balls Inspire: to cause to sweat internally License: the pleasing aroma produced when lice are burned Manifest: a carnival of men; usually involves naked oil wrestling or a chili cooking contest Moral: to need more L’s Pigment: the other white concrete Shampoo: cute, fake excrement Synonym: to sing the dirty parts of a hymn Relax: what to do after the first dose of laxatives doesn’t kick in Rooftop: a dog’s head; the best petting spot on Spot Treason: a straping sapling; a whippersapling Tulips: what chickens don’t have This assi...

This whole humor-malaprop thing is over. Phew! As I mentioned previously, "my brain found this exercise really really-really, reallyreally, really—really—really really, really difficult. Really." I would add to that two things: really and really. But, as with challenges, I learned lots. Like, Malapropism is a real word? And, Even if I had health insurance, treatment for it is non-reimbursable. To recap: Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part I - misuse a word (on porpoise) Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part II - substitute a wrong word and liven up the sentence Mrs. Malaprop's Affliction: Part III - use the right word but the wrong definition Blogosphere, what do you think about my tries? For the backstory on why I'm doing this, read my previous post, I Can Learn To Be Funny?

An invisible dog fence? I'll believe it when I see it. Free refills, 75¢ The hotshot hitter didn't win Rookie of the Year this year either. He's single minded about his multiple personalities. The new yoga instructor said, "Watch me and keep your eyes closed." If we were married we'd be divorced. My doctor says this medicine is 100% effective, except for the side effects. My favorite color is 8. Next time I order a new dish, first I'm gonna make sure I like it. Relax! I don't need money. I have a credit card. "We welcome your opinions—just keep them to yourself." As a janitor she possessed great skill: she could sweep the rug under the floor. As a mayor too. Silence speaks to me. "Work, work, work. That's all you ever are." The grass is always greener under the money. You look tired. Have you been sleeping all day? His mental focus is a blur. Overheard at the family picnic: "This cake is awful. Make my next slice smaller....

Monkey see, monkey doo-doo. (do) I can't follow a map. I always was bad at choreography. (cartography or geography) The fashion model's getting a faceloft and breast transplants. (facelift and breast implants) See no, hear no, speak no Evel Knievel. (evil) At the hospital cafe I ordered a banana splint. (split) I think kids are exposed to too much violins on televison. (violence) A big raindrop landed on my lip but it turned out that it's snot. (not) In order to see well enough to drive my car, I cleaned off the weirdos. (windows , but occasionally weirdos can be correct ) A nose by any other name would smell as sweet. (rose) Puffing on a cigarette, the cowboy spoke with a slow withdrawl. (drawl) We just bought a brand new Ford Tortoise. It's green. (Taurus) Even with a war on, today's public libraries are filled with looks. (books) After the study was complete scientists began tantalizing the data. (analyzing) Support your community: buy and eat loco. (local) Unc...

According to Wordnet , malapropism means "the unintentional misuse of a word by confusion with one that sounds similar." I do it all the time. But never on purpose. For this portion of my learning to be funny I've got to figure out how to do it on purpose. This assignment is to make a sentence with one incorrect word and no attempt at being humorous (that I can do!). Here are my tries. At the farm I petted a donkey and a lava. (Let's hope it was actually a "llama.") Be careful around that llama. She'll shirt you in the eye. (The speaker meant to say "squirt" instead of "shirt.") For winter, the vampire bought a fancy new fur escape. (A "cape" would be more wearable than "escape.") There are 206 bones that make up the human gelatin. ("Gelatin" should be "skeleton.") My astrological sign? I'm an Aquarium. ("Aquarium" should be "Aquarius.") This holiday, the whole family...

After a dirty nine-month slog I have finally arrived at Chapter Two of the "Comedy Writing Workbook". Jeepers H. Cripes. Now my assignment is to find definitions of 20 words so as to learn "the nuances of the English language, and how words can be tricky, playful, and useful in creating comedy." All very useful stuff but what I want to know is, How did earlier humorists-to-be cope without Google and WordNet ? bear have: "bears a resemblance" wear: have on one's person: "he bears a red ribbon" give birth: "she'll bear twins" digest: put up with something or somebody unpleasant: "she learns to tolerate the twins" move while holding up or supporting: "bearing gifts" hold or support in a certain way: "she holds her head up high" behave in a certain way: "she bore herself with dignity" bring forth: "the tree bears apples" take on as one's own the expenses or debts of another: ...