Small & Big

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. —Jerry Seinfeld ( Wikipedia ) Ol' Jerry turns my notions about information upside down. His joke leaves out just enough detail so's I can come up with my own discovery, my own Ah ha! moment. "Hmmm, why do articles exactly fit the space, never spilling over? Do purveyers of news decide what not to put in, thereby insinuating that that's all the news there is? Gasp! Why, newspapers partake of this practice the world over, from time immemorial." Well, maybe not since "immemorial" because the existence of newspapers implies a recorded history, however loosely. It implies schools too, since most papers require readers with a 9th-grade reading level. And the alphabet, for reasons that can only be explained by using the alphabet. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

The report of my death was an exaggeration. —Mark Twain, a.k.a. Samuel Clemens ( Wikipedia ) How do I love thee, Mark Twain? Let me count the ways... 1) Your understatement, 2) your exaggerated understatement, and 3) your exaggerated understated understatement. Too bad you now really are dead. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers. I mean plastic and then tape and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here'. Is that sarcasm? And buy batteries and they are in there with layers and layers of cardboard, and then scissors... You need scissors to get into scissors, what if you were buying them for the first time? You wouldn’t be able to get them open. Then you try and buy a light bulb and it's this thin thin cardboard. What are they thinking? “Ohh, they'll be fine.” —Ellen DeGeneres ( Wikipedia ) You got your specifics (your tape, scissors, and cardboard) and you got your generalities (like all manufacturers are in cohoots to package stuff this way). What can I say, I enjoy a silly story that meanders in the telling. Incandescent light bulb packaging is definitely weird. You'd think they'd figure out better packaging, especially since light bulbs symbolize a bright idea. Click here for more inf...

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear. —Dave Barry ( website ) Hee hee. The way Dave writes reminds me of a teen or a pre-teen. There's an innocence to the way he cobbles words and thoughts together to make reading fun. Day after day, week after week, year after year he makes humor writing look effortless through his endless supply of newspaper columns. Simplicity bubbles up from great skill, like an underwater fart. Reminds me of a story: When the famous artist Robert Motherwell switched to painting abstract art he got all kinds of guff over it. Many argued that his new style wasn't even art. When a disappointed viewer made fun of Motherwell, asking how long it took him to paint that ugly picture, Motherwell answered that it took him 20 years to learn to paint like that. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Writing well is a learning process. And when it’s about humor, it’s a fun learning process. For readers out there who are curious about the editing part of the process I’ve been using (hi Mom!) here you go... Think stuff up. Write stuff down. Ignore quality. Let them sit overnight or overweek. Don’t think about them. Stop it. Re-read. Toss the yuck but keep what gives you yuck-yucks. For better comedic impact, shorten the keepers to the least number of words. Read them aloud to someone else. Choose a person who won’t laugh out of politeness but who is capable of laughter. Cry. Mope. Complain that people don’t get your work. Ask your enemy, er, listener, why they don’t agree with your faves. Never assume. When you hear, “It's just not funny” ask why. Is it the concept, wording, or impeding thoughts of their upcoming surgical procedure? Resolve to improve. Keep the ones that got a laugh. If you get no laughs, keep those...

Animal Bones born gravity built pulled to earth and grown. Illustration Friday's ( IF website ) assignment to illustrate "Gravity".

Yay, I accidently got first place in this month's humor contest over at Humor Power ( Humor Power contest ) and won a book by Ted Demopoulos ( Blogging for Business )! The contest was to think up funny movie titles and descriptions. Although I think others were more funny ("Politicians On A Plane — Quick, let the snakes loose."), I ain't gonna argue with the results. Just like I wouldn't if The New Yorker plucked my writing out of the pigsty, hosed it off, and slopped it into their respected magazine. Same goes for Highlights for Children and Hemorrhoids Monthly ("Don't Sit This Issue Out"). Thankfully the crew at Humor Power is amenable to the present quality of my work, the poor dears. For reference, here are my movie entries in alphabetical order. Let's see if you can figure out the winner. Ben-Her — A transsexual musical. Crappy Days — Just the lousy parts of 1950's America. Fantasy Rhode Island — Mr. Roarke's supernatural ...

If you read my previous post on 20 Sure Signs You're In A Fancy Public Bathroom you'll be familiar with the subject of urinal cakes. If not, you might want to brush up on the topic. Go ahead and read it. I'll wait. For the women reading this: urinal cakes aren't cakes. Yes, the name is misleading. If you were to eat a couple you'd be digesting a block of chemical disinfectant meant to keep clean those urinal things males wee wee in. Consuming these cakes is neither safe or appetizing, nor capable of providing your daily recommended intake of vitamins and minerals. People, stay away from the eating of the urinal cakes. A more sweeping generalization about cake also turns out to be false: that cake, any cake, doesn't talk. A man visiting the restroom at a New Mexician bar learns differently once he gets a talking to about drunk driving from his urinal cake. True story. Apparently manufacturers use a new and improved recipe that allows for recorded public service...

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them. —Erma Bombeck ( museum ) Erma puts the "age" in "courage". Or rather, her children do. During moments of desperation my own stay-at-home mother would say, "You know, I used to be smart before I had you three kids." Even when I was eight I knew she was right. She used to be younger too. But Erma and my mom broke the cardinal rule of parenting, work, and warfare: it's best that the children/projects/enemy never outnumber the caretakers/time/troops. The thing about white carpeting is that people who have it insist on matching furniture, walls, and decorations. Twice my poor mother brought us into our neighbor Jane's home. The trick I learned is to keep the arms glued to your sides, monitor your footwork, and don't rely on eyesight because everything's invisible in a solid wall of white. When sunlight hits the place it...

I'm a hypochondriac. At least that's what my gynecologist keeps telling me. —Gregg Rogell ( myspace ) This joke starkly divides the world into the two sexes—those who have HMOs and those who do not. Fortunately, Gregg doesn't let the fact that he's a man limit his health care needs. Think of the health insurance hoops he danced through to get a doctor willing to care for his non-existing woman bits. Egads. Like, if the tables were turned it'd be so hard for a woman to get a testicle doctor. (Do those exist? I hope so because Testicle Doctor is a funny job title.) (But not as funny as Doctor Testicle.) Of course, any gynecologist examining Gregg would soon find that, as a woman, he suffers from serious deformities. I suspect the problem would be attibuted to genetic issues stemming from his father's side of the family and maybe a kind of hernia. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside. —Mark Twain, a.k.a. Samuel Clemens ( Wikipedia ) What is the relationship between success in life and success in the stomach? I don't have the foggiest idea. That's the first thing I like about Marky Mark's sentence. The other is the thought of my macaroni punching my carrots while both are being smothered in olive oil. A cowardly gulp of water lurks in the esophagus, waiting to duke it out with the winner. Oil and water just don't mix. I got $5 riding on the oil. Literally, because I can really build up some steam in the eating department and somebody made the mistake of dropping a fiver atop my lunch. They wouldn't wait to get their money back out so I kind of made a profit. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. —Ellen DeGeneres ( Wikipedia ) Dang it, Ellen (Don't you just love that we're on a first-name basis?), that's a sad truth about the United States. Sniff, sniff, dab eyes with kerchief. Normal behavior doesn't necessarily mean healthy behavior. The sentence does a good job of illustrating the whole picture in the joke. Ellen's a storyteller who enjoys carrying the entire audience along, which is real nice of her. She must be strong—the gang's gotta be heavier than a blue whale on Jupiter driving a loaded cement truck. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

It's time to celebrate VD—Valentine's Day. Here are three splendarific ways to exercise your "nice" muscle. Meditate nice. According to the nice folks over at Power of Nice , meditating on kindness and compassion produces long lasting changes in one of your smartest organs, your brain. For more on thoughts, Buddhist monks, and gamma waves, read this Power of Nice blog ( go there ) . Nice! Do nice. There's a book called You're Stronger Than You Think by a researcher at the University of Michigan, my alma mater. The author says, "Social support (in overcoming adversity) is helpful, but not as important as you might think. In fact, a study by my colleague Stephanie Brown indicates that people are actually happier when they give support and help to others than when they receive it!" Read the article on the U-M website ( go there ) . Nap nice. Children know how refreshing naps are. Adults know too but, at least in the U.S., taking them isn't regar...

“When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.” —Gracie Allen ( Wikipedia ) Finally, a reasonable explanation on why children don't come out with a working vocabulary. Gracie's common sense is the perfect addition to my collection. It's quite a coup to have acquired it. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Annoyed waiter to customer: "That filet is for ladies." —Charles Barsotti Why is it that wait staff in super fancy expensive restaurants never blink an eyelid at you, no matter what you order? "Excellent choice, ma'am. So, that's one giraffe hoof sauted in monkey wee wee for the monsieur and ketchup soup for the lady. While those items are not on the menu I will personally see to it that the sous chef prepares them in proper fashion." Anything goes as long as you can pay. But in an eating emporium of the usual stature sometimes you feel like you say or do the wrong thing, like ordering meat cut for the opposite sex from yours. Misleading menu? I think not. This little number by Charles Barsotti in New Yorker magazine is genius. Ha ha ha! Food for ladies only—like products that segregate the sexes exist. Next they'll tell me there are women's clothes, colors, hobbies, and bathrooms. Yeah, right. Not sure if a cartoon fits the definition of a joke. B...

My, who could have done such a dastardly deed? The world may never know. This is Illustration Friday's ( IF website ) weekly assignment, to illustrate "Crash".

Here’s my homework for the weekly illustration assignment from Illustration Friday ( IF website ). The assigment is to illustrate “Sprout”. I uploaded a much larger image but Blogger likes this better, I guess. While sketching fresh tendrils and other greenery I noticed how a flower atop its stem and a spider dangling from her web are made from the same basic shapes. A vertical line, an oval, and “sunshine marks” sprouting from the oval. The spider is an upside down flower. After saddling up the computer my noggin was on to how spiders and crabs are the same beast. Like if you dropped a spider into the sea she'd turn into a crab and a landlocked crab would evolve (devolve?) into a spider. This assignment sprouted ideas. And maybe a little romance, eh?

Results from August's worldwide Stephen Colbert survey are in! The results are infallible—in fact six extra months were tacked on to ensure a correct tally. Rumors about our misplacing the password for accessing poll results are only gossip, although true. Folks clamoured from all over to participate during the month-long event, we assume. They did so to evaluate Mr. Colbert's nightly performance. On his show. The final scientific tally? Although respondents could pick from four choices it turns out that an astonishing 100% of you love and appreciate Stephen Colbert. A number like that leaves no room for error. Let us un-discombobulate it for you. Charts communicate with confidence. Free poll courtesy of Bravenet.com Surprisingly, not one respondent said Stephen is doing a great job or an excellent job. Is that because 33% thought that only the use of those two words together adequately fit? We may never know. But enough voters swooped in to choose #4 that we are rewarded with ...

Best way to avoid workplace violence You’re not the boss of me! Dreamed I already went to work Unfashionable laptop Remembered I’m rich Before vomiting up BlackBerry, dog deleted To-Do list Seems like work CEO makes my yearly salary in one day Deodorant malfunction Gasoline unaffordable, flammable Forgot how Healthcare and retirement no longer important (or available) Naps continually interrupted Fear of job cuts, paper cuts Car won’t start, wires chewed by chipmunk Chipmunk still there Been meaning to quit Cough-cough! I caught a computer virus Went yesterday Enjoy this? Please link to it! Copy the following code and paste it into your blog or website: <a href="http://smallandbig.blogspot.com/2007/02/18-excuses-not-to-go-to-work-today.html">18 Excuses Not To Go To Work Today</a>

Mugger: "This is a stickup—now come on, your money or your life!" Jack Benny: (silence) Mugger: "Look, bud, I said your money or your life!" Jack Benny: "I'm thinking it over!" —Jack Benny ( Wikipedia ) Timing is everything. Jack Benny's stingy television character may have clutched his pocketbook with a death grip but he knew the value of silence—and wasn't afraid to give it away. Let's see, would I rather be rich or alive? Rich, of course. But I've got money only while I'm alive. Yet, hmmm. Mr. Benny's supreme circular thinking is the second quality that makes this a treasured part of any collection. Circular reasoning is humanity's perpetual motion machine. The third reason? Humor often comes from what we don't say. Complete silence can do that. So can not saying certain words. Growing up, there were many words Mom placed off-limit. Most we didn't know anyway. A side effect is that we kids pushed ourselves to the...

Making fresh snow-covered donuts with the car Mass production of snow angels now cost effective Figure skating to the mailbox Having splurged on relocating that outhouse to the basement No mosquitoes Flat tire? Ingredients for snow tire at your feet Snow loves everyone equally Not buying that adorable 7-bedroom place in Avalancheville, Tibet Snow is way, way cool “I won’t be at work today, ma’am. My car’s missing under 6 ft. of flake.” Snowblower races against the neighbor Inuits Ice carving that flawless 5-carat "diamond," then selling it on eBay, in the Jewelry & Watches section Strapping rackets to feet really frees up the hands for tennis Free refills on yellow Sno-cones Your frozen smile Flying a personal helicopter to the top of the bunny slope Thanks to fingers and opposable thumbs, mittens no longer floppy Not everyone has winter, the poor dears Three other seasons follow!