One Bit Of Advice On Renting A Chainsaw

(Follow up to: How to use a chainsaw to get a chainsaw out of a tree.)

When at the chainsaw rental store, under no circumstance inform them why you desperately need one. Evade all questioning. I’m not instructing you to lie, mind you, but when cornered offer vagueness like, “Oh, you know, it’s for a tree.” What you do not say is that you’ll be using their dangerous handheld cutting weapon to get out another dangerous handheld cutting weapon you got stuck in a cherry tree. This would only cause them to label you an insurance risk, refuse to rent you a saw, and laugh so hard their teeth fall out. They will also get on the loud speaker to announce your predicament to other patrons, all of whom are expert tree cutter-downers because, after all, this is a chainsaw rental store.

How Big Are Houseflies?

Someone got to this here blog after typing a question into Ask.com. Theirs is a cute, thought-provoking question and, since I respond to my readers with compassion and honesty, it is my privilege to answer it straight out:

Q: How big are houseflies?

A: My fingernail is the size of a cow.

You see, houseflies are both small, and big. They seem small, the size of a fingernail, but when you slowly sneak your eye in real close to observe one cleaning her face with her teensy hands, they look big. Cow size, with a cute fuzzy behind. So, the long answer is that houseflies are the size of the nail on my index finger and also of a cow. Using a variant of Pythagoras’s Theorem, a² + b² = c², we arrive at the final answer.

You could see a different viewpoint at Wisegeek.com, but why?

See also: Why I Hate Flies | Fly image from GNU

Separated At Birth? Derek Jeter And Pauly Shore

The heads were switched at birth.

12 Conveniences That Would Be Illegal If Invented Today

CONVENIENCE	WHY IT’D BE ILLEGAL TO INVENT TODAY
Gun	“I have an idea for causing bodily harm and/or death. With a fancy display case, I can sell it at Wal-Mart.” Whoop, whoop, safety alert!
Suction Cup Bow & Arrow	While good for hand-eye coordination, paired with hip boots and a kerchief it’s a serious fashion faux pas.
Food	Leads to a dangerous pastime called obesity.
Chainsaw	Its high school class voted the motorized rotating chain of ripping metal Most Likely To Partially Remove Limbs And Leave Them Dangling.
Bowling Ball	Too heavy, rollie, communal finger-hole filth.
Water	Didn’t the Roman empire end because of lead in the drinking water? This is also probably behind the Italians inventing pizza, dangerous pizza (see above).
Parrots As Pets	That sharp beak, your eye. There’s a reason pirates wore eye patches.
Semicolon	Confusing; vicious.
Motorcycle	When balancing your soft carcass atop a two-wheeled engine rolling along at 80 mph, why bother with the helmet? (Note: This might be acceptable if mankind had an external carapace.) Which reminds me...
Horseback Riding	Sitting astride a half-ton muscle machine with its own opinions as to where y’all should be headed? Suicide! Add muleback and cowback riding to this list.
Fire	Danger of fire.
Anything Done At A Circus	Tightrope walking, trapeze swinging, lion taming, corndogs.

US Woman Gives Birth To Octopus

BOSTON, Massachusetts | A woman gave birth Monday to a healthy 6 pound, 6 ounce baby octopus, doctors said.

The mother gave birth to a bottom-living cephalopod of the species Octopus mercatoris, doctors at Beth-Israel Deaconess Hospital reported. Hospital staff had expected to deliver a human boy and were surprised to discover eight tentacles and three hearts.

“My eyes were wide,” Dr. Susan Maple said, explaining her reaction to the birth. “For an invertebrate he’s large. But cute as the dickens.”

Hospital officials would not release any information about the mother, or whether she used IVF or fertility drugs.

It was an underwater birth.

How To Use A Chainsaw To Get A Chainsaw Out Of A Tree

What you will need for this project:

1) Tree
2) Chainsaw
3) Chainsaw

Turn on chainsaw and insert into tree. On the side of the trunk you want to fall face down, use two deft cuts to remove a V-shaped section of wood. Move to opposite side of trunk and slice one felling cut all the way through, towards the V. Yell “timber!” and monitor the situation by visually tracking the trajectory of the falling tree... which is travelling in the opposite direction. Look out! Fortunately, the keeling-over-backwards causes the tree to catch on another tree, boulder, and/or house. Look at it hung up there at a 45° angle! Ha hah! Try again. Saw into the trunk, anywhere. Within seconds the tree shifts, the slice closes tight, and your chainsaw is stuck. Nice job! This is where you want to be. Turn off chainsaw. Use a long sturdy post as a lever to prop up the tree, open the cut, and get the saw loosened. This won’t work but try it anyway. Then use a handsaw, then a sledgehammer and wedge. In between strokes fall onto poison ivy or a snake. Go get your backup chainsaw. With the loose chainsaw in the On position, cut out the stuck chainsaw. If this chainsaw also sticks get another chainsaw. Repeat as necessary until you get one out or, chainsaw by chainsaw, you reach the top of the tree. Whichever comes first. At some point the tree will probably fall to the ground, presenting you with a pleasant enough surface to work on.

P.S. One bit of advice on renting a chainsaw.

And Now, I Shall Attempt A Short Post

There.

Oh, How I Long To Click On These Tempting Advertisementicals

“Clickest not,” Google sayeth again and against. “For to click an advertising link on thine own Blogger blog would be a most heinous, treacherous untruth, great and sobering.”

And I lookest upon the decorous link for “Cartoon Animals” and the comely “Dog Leg Problem Remedy” and, with a great sighing, I say, “I do not, Sirs and Madams Google. Nay, I do not click. For I have signed with my penmanship hand a legal document agreeing thusly.”

So I type this unto you: Will thouest not click in my stead, so that in the year of our Lord 2025 I may behold a $100 payment of advertising revenue?

Thankest thee.

Above: Typical advertisement witnessed on the Small & Big blog, for Excelsior Statuary Bust Washers & Laborers, Inc. Well no, the illustration is actually from Bret Harte’s book, “Excelsior.” This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org.

English To Japanese To English To Greek And Back To English Translation

Fun with the free online Babel Fish translator. Here’s what happens when you use Babel Fish to translate and retranslate stuff. It’s from my old posting, Hot Tofu Pups.

ORIGINAL ENGLISH

Hot Tofu Dogs
You ever try a tofu hot dog? One of the brands is especially yummy because, like, it’s tofu plus smokey taste minus gluten plus a molded hot dog shape. All pluses. Whilst enjoying them you might as well pay attention to the bright sunburst blob on the front of the package that says “RICH in soy protein”. Why yes, yes they are. If you can, try not to eat more than two per sitting. So to speak.

THEN INTO JAPANESE & BACK TO ENGLISH

The Hot Tofu Dog
Is the hot dog of the tofu tried? Because one of the brand, the way, shape and the gluten of the hot dog where that was formed is the taste and the tofu of smokey which is pulled, especially it is tasty. Everything plus. Enjoying those, and while perhaps, you pay attention to the lump of sunburst where the front part of the package which says “the rich person of the soybean albumin” is bright. It is, are they why? When it is possible, per being seated 1 shot or more 2 try the fact that you do not eat. Word.

AND THEN INTO GREEK & BACK TO ENGLISH
(Apparently, a culinary term like hot dog is untranslatable in Greek.)

Boiling hot Tofu dog
[chot]-[ntogk] tofu it is tryed? Because one of the commercial signal, the way, the form and gluten [chot]-[ntogk] where this it was shaped it is the preference and tofu smokey that is pulled, specifically he is tasty. All plus. The enjoyment of those, and while perhaps, you give attention in the piece of sunlight where the forward part of packing that says “the rich person of albumin of soya” is luminous. It is, they are these why? When it is possible, per they sit 1 or more 2 try the fact that vulnerable. Word.

Unlike high-budget Hollywood movies, here the sequals are better than the original.

This Is Write Thinking

A writer, she often doesn’t know the thought in her head or where it’s headed until it stands in this world letter by letter, fleshed into word, grown into sentence, paragraph, and a thoughtful story. Getting what’s in here out there is a physical act, a curious release through fingertips, the wearing down of fingerprints that leaks thought into print. One reason a writer writes is to see herself think. This is write thinking.

Separated At Birth? Kevin Youkilis And Yukon Cornelius

   

Youk and Yuke. Boston Red Sox and “Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” Coinkydink? The proof is in the nose.

How To Become A 'Wonk' In 4.5 Easy Steps

1. From undisclosed location, take photographs of famous personages


2. Photoshop said photos


3. Post photos to high-profile, heavily trafficked blog, or whatever you can get


4. A) Hope, hope, hope! and/or,
   B) Engage services of witch doctor

So you wanna be a wonk, do you? That’s cool, or phat, stupid, ignoramus, or whatever word it is kids use nowadays to denote spiffiness. There is a 100% guarantee* that following the above process will result in your Wonkdom. Case in point: It made me a wonk. Actually, a wonk and a wag. (This is a good thing because how could I choose between wonking and something to do with a dog’s hind end?) You see, I know because it was mentioned in the, ahem, thee Huffington Post. The article is, “Exit Stage Right: Cheney Wheels Off to Thunderous Applause” by one Randall Amster, and in said text I am guilty by association. It goes thusly, and I quote verbatem without changing one word, which is not my habitual practice I promise:

“True, Cheney’s little wheelchair escapade at the inauguration did receive some clever input from policy wags and wonks, comparing him to Mr. Potter of It’s a Wonderful Life fame, the evil chair-bound banker who drives the kindly George Bush — er, George Bailey, that is — to financial ruin.”

Guess what happens when you click “comparing him to Mr. Potter”? Guess! Then click! Yes, yes, that clicks to my post! I’m tearing up. Where’s a Kleenex?

Randall Amster, I salute your profound insight and intelligence. To all those out there diligently wonking away, I salute you. And I have these final words of advice to share: Oo ee, oo ah ah, ting tang, walla walla bing bang.

* By the witch doctor.

Separated At Birth? Lyle Lovett And Broccoli

   

Both are a wonderful accompaniment to dinner. And a powerful argument against genetically modified vegetables—who wants to see good musician and actor Union jobs usurped by a member of the cabbage family?

1999 Veterinarian's Report Blames PowerBar, Fruit Pit

“Constipated today, but had a BM today, small and firm. Ate dry fruit and ‘some PowerBars’ on Sunday and dry candies and nuts, eating grass today.”

—Veterinarian’s report on Godzilla
Female Manchester Terrier, 16 lbs
Angell Memorial Animal Hospital, Boston, MA
October 13, 1999

It can be assumed that BM is not an abbreviation for BMW but for Bowel Movement.

The tattered copy of the vet’s report goes on to state the happy outcome: one hard fruit pit extracted from Godzilla dog’s hindbutt, done the old-fashioned way, without surgery, but with some coaxing.

Godzilla is currently Vice President of External Affairs for this blog.

Callin' All Bawston Interpretahs

How good are you at understanding Boston-speak? That good, huh? Try your brain at interpreting this... (Answer below.)

“Sully blasted me with an elastic while I was at the bubbler seeing if I couldn’t get the American chop suey off my Compliments. Now I gutta take ’em to the cleansas.”

Go ahead. Give it a try. When you’re ready for the answer, read on.

Correct interpretation: “Mr. Sullivan hit me in the head with a rubber band while I was at the water fountain seeing if I could get the macaroni with hamburger and tomato sauce off my Girbaud jeans. Now I have to take them to the dry cleaners.”

Cheer up, I only knew “elastic” meant rubber band and I’ve lived here over ten years. Boston, the city that doesn’t have milkshakes, only “frappes.” Oh, and the town of Worcester? Pronounced “Woostah.” If you say it like it’s spelled nobody but nobody will know what you’re talking about. I love my state! Er, commonwealth.

Thanks to Boston Magazine for this!