Small & Big

Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." —Woody Allen ( website ) Woody's joke makes the collection because it's the kind of thing people can say. And they're serious. Stuff like, "Kathy is always a mean controlling individual. And I know so because we've been friends since childhood." and "The vacation time at work is nonexistent. Luckily the pay's so bad I can't afford sick days." There comes a time to get moving, no matter how enjoyable it is to complain. This joke shimmies up to my moralistic side, pinches its rosy red cheek, and whispers a helpful reminder to move along. Go on, there's nothing to see here kid. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

My first attempt at a weekly illustration assignment from Illustration Friday ( IF website ). The assigment is to illustrate “Red”. To really make a color stand out it’s good to use its opposite, in this case green. By the next illustration I hope to have it together enough to add some humor. On purpose.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. —Jack Handy ( website ) I always leave room for optimism in my joke collection. That Jack Handy is a story teller with a gift for exquisite commas. His advice turns a nightmare into a win-win situation. You fall, you're saved, your rescuer gets a prize. Potential fallers out there: the key is to stay calm, think lightweight, and steer towards the open window. Also, look expensive. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

Birthdays are good for you. The more you have the longer you live. —1970's birthday card Funny how certain things will stick with you your entire life. First came across this hopeful, scientifically correct statement during the 1970's in an "adult" birthday card. Amidst other cards illustrated with buxom young women and fat hairy old men, one showed a lone guru standing atop a jagged mountain peak proclaiming this profound birthday statement. A sparkley treasure buried in cartoon dirt. Being under 10-years old I lacked the financial wherewithal to afford the $0.55 and Mom wouldn't provide a low interest loan. For all I know the card may still be in that small-town Michigan grocery store—but its message is with me. At every opportunity I spout off the words as my own. Even blogged 'em ( So Today's Your Birthday ). Author, if you're still having birthdays I'd like to send you 55 cents. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing. Late B...

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. —Roseanne Barr ( her blog ) Alas, humanity still anxiously awaits the perfection of the all-terrain riding vacuum cleaner. This joke is about opposites: housework versus yardwork, indoors versus out, traditional female versus male roles, clean versus dirty, drudgery versus dominion, walking versus riding. It's about honesty, laziness, science, the working class, saleability, and dreams. Glorious dreams. Dreams that sweep me off my feet. That's why this joke here is in the collection. We're eloping. We're riding off into the squeaky clean sunset on a motorized marvel with the Sears logo. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

You open the box containing your new computer to find it ensconced in the usual squeaky syrofoam and plastic anti-static bags. While removing your precious items you see that the manufacturer has included a clever symbol to protect your personal safety and/or make you laugh. It would make a great tattoo. It helpfully tells you: Do not cough here. Help! My head is stuck in the television. Eating too many marshmallows will make you sick. Don’t drink while wearing your space helmet.

"I lost a buttonhole." —Steven Wright ( website ) "Sew what?" This joke is swaddled in my collection because I first heard it as a teenanger and loved the imaginative concept of a common buttonhole altering my concept of reality. Misplacing a hole? The smallest thing I've lost is a teensy clear rhinestone from my Barbie doll necklace. That and my dignity. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

"When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C. The Russians used a pencil." —Rated funniest joke in Canada according to LaughLab ( website ) This one makes the cut because of all the factual scientific authority jammed into it. Yet there's room for a financial tip—I learned a lesson on how not to squander my next billion. And it pokes light-hearted fun at us Americans, which is a nice reminder that it's healthy to laugh at ourselves. Hah ha. Turns out the famous Fisher Space Pen only took $1 million to develop. Today, you can buy one for a measley $50 ( spacepen.com ). You know you'll want to operate an instrument like that under optimum conditions, so bud...

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. —Phyllis Diller ( her blog ) Why is this in my personal collection? It's brief. It's by that genius Ms. Diller. It starts out with the usual making-fun-of-aging, then turns it inside out. Literally. I did not see that punchline coming. Human blood treated as just another technology, trend, or fashion—now that's impossibly funny. And creepy: who's "they"? For the record, I'm type O+. I hear it's what's in. At least it's what's in me. Click here for more info about this joke collection thing.

There’s this book in the library by some joker. It hypothesizes that anyone can learn how to think funny. Well, I’m anyone. I take it out of the local library—for free! (libraries are amazing)—bring it home and realize that there’s a reason it’s called Comedy Writing Workbook and not Comedy Writing Coloringbook or Comedy Writing Doughnut . There are assignments, research, and work involved. Who knew? When the library late fees kick in I find I’m still working on the first assignment from Mr. Gene Perret’s book. This is quite the useful book, I think, What the hey, I’ll spring $12 for a used copy on Amazon. Three weeks later it is yesterday and still no book. I email the seller. “It’s coming,” she says. I cross my fingers. This afternoon it arrives. I gently slide the manilla envelope off my precious new, old banged up, creased paperback. It smells a bit like old people (not the cute kind). Curse it—the previ...

"Intestinal germ leaves trail of misery" — Hah ha hah HA HA hah ha! That's today's lead story on Boston.com. While we wouldn't laugh at the illness itself, it is not often you read such a combination of words. Alas, our three submissions were not chosen:       Diarrhea germ asked to get out, just get out      Intestinal infection affects city's bottom line      Gastrointestinal illness slips through cities,      hopsitals, butts In the end, we think the editors made the right decision to go with the headline they did. It's got more punch, more pizzazz. And misery. Lots and lots of misery. Besides the fancy headline, the article contains another priceless quote:       "And while the volume fluctuated, it was generally      increasing."      (About the increase in ER patients) Tasteless, priceless, to-may-toh...

The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning. —Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) Reading the words ol' Marky Mark wrote in mid-October of 1888 to George Bainton—ahh, it reminds us of the old days. Like that day last week. The one we where we spent the entire day saying words, adding syllables to them, and listening to the words turn on us like a huffy employeer whose employees are slacking off. Only fun. Starting with "lightning and lightning bug", we thunk up... Toil and toilet Rattle and rattlesnake Grave and gravy Sad and saddle Pore and porcelain Sock and socket Pep and pepperoni Horse and horsefly Butt and butterfly For and foreign Marsh and marshmallow Foot and football Wit and witch My and microscope Cow and coward Bra and Brawny Phone and phony Sea and season As and aspirin Be and Beef Pant and panther Rug and rugby Hip and hipocrite Fun and fungus Tune and tu...

Montessori child care available, as is pet sitting Has its own logo, Board of Directors, public stock offering Entry requires minimum GMAT score of 500 No weapons check Shoes removed before stepping onto plush wall-to-wall carpet Sushi bar next to pee-trough laser light show Organic urinal cakes That’s not a door: that’s a Christian Dior Walls adorned with autographed oil portraits of famous visitors Usher escorts you to your heated seat Potty plaque reads, “During use, kindly refrain from grunting.” Smells like money Antique toilet paper parchment scroll Someone else wipes Wee Wii wi-fi flushing mechanism Undercarriage wash Nary an Elvis impersonator in sight Automatic dispensors dole out soap, hand lotion, latte Your commemorative action photo will arrive in three days They’ll never let you in there again! More on urinal cakes.

Being naked in class is okay. A strong cleansing agent removes oil paint, colored dye, and skin. Strange is relative. When it looks nice, stop . A good artist is a good businessperson. Wear the respirator. Money does not buy good taste. Change perspective and everything else changes. No grocery store will give you supper for 17¢. Try watercolors... and your patience. Some of the cute ones aren’t all gay. You don’t have to enjoy the art to appreciate it. Shadows are never black. Don’t drop your egg salad sandwich in the oil paint. Anyone can be an artist if they practice art every day.

Our writers, underwriters, and underwear wearing underwriters respectfully urge you to nominate Small and Big for the 7th Annual Weblog Awards. Each voter is allowed one opportunity to submit nominations and, naturally, we have already used up our vote. Er, votes. If we count correctly, there are 30 total categories including Best Asian Weblog, Best Computers or Technology Weblog, and Best GLBT (gay/lesbian/bi/trannie) Weblog. Feel free to enter us under every category. If all seven of Big and Small 's readers go to 2007.bloggies.com and vote, we might get up to three nominations. Three! But hurry up because it all ends—according to the rules—on January 10, 2005. We are not opposed to your going back in time to make your entry.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE Boston, Massachusetts | January 8, 2007 | In an evaluation that has sent analyists quaking, the Small and Big blog is reportedly worth $3,387.24. This staggering sum comes from the same link-to-dollar-ratio as AOL's purchase of Weblogs and is well above everyone else's assessment of $0.02. "I am stunned. Stunned," says a stunned P.L. Frederick, who started Small and Big as a fun way to clog up the Internet in August of 2006. "Maybe that guy at Business-opportunities.biz made a mistake crunching the numbers. Who thought we'd some day be worth over $3k? Corporate's telling me I should drop the 'Small'. I gotta call my mom!" Since it was first created, results of the web-based AOL-Weblogs Deal computation have been represented by a picture and a taunt: "My blog is worth $xxx.xx. How much is your blog worth?" The joke is that the monetary valuation ($xxx.xx) is unrealistically high, based as it is on cockamamie...

Check out my new best friends over at A Little Net Story . The blog has a fun premise based on the game where each person writes a bit of a story. Every person's writing is based on what has been written up to that point and no writer has much control over the plot. The mess-of-a-story that results is unique and, hopefully, odd. It's the only healthy example I know of designing by committee. Check it out at alittlenetstory.blogspot.com . So far, I've written Part 6 ( go there ). Hee hee! This is the first invitation I've received to guest on another blog. Yay! A potential windbag, I am less a guest than a gust.

An article called "Birthmarks Indicate Special Purpose" appeared in the 2001 issue of Venture Inward magazine (Sept./Oct. 2001, p.25) and I find myself still considering it years later. It comes from the work of Edgar Cayce, also known as the "sleeping prophet". Folks would pose questions to him while he was attuned to the Infinite and he'd respond. The ones below are excerpts from Cayce's transcribed readings, asked by three different people. (Q) What was the cause for the birthmark on left hip? (A) Few individuals there are who do not carry a mark of some character or nature. This is a mark from a former experience, from former activities in the earth plane. (From reading #2175-2) (Q) Why do I have a mark on my physical body? (A) As given, there is set a mark in those that they themselves may know that they have been called; that they may understand that they have been called. For it has been given, "I will set my mark upon my own, and they shall hea...

Many people are talking about a recent news story from New York City. A college student falls onto train tracks, suffering from seizures. To save him from the oncoming 370-ton subway train, a stranger jumps onto the student and holds him down as the train roars over them both. Both men survive the emergency. You can read the story on New York Daily News ( go there ) , CBS ( go there ) , or ABC ( go there ) . The hero is the one in the skidmarked Playboy bunny skullcap.

Some food tastes funny and some food sounds funny, whether or not it has slid through the digestive tract. To satisfy our readers’ appetite for authentic opinion, we are announcing an award for Food That Sounds Funny When You Say It Out Loud, or for short, the FTSFWYSIOL (sounds like “fits-fweesiol”). Without further ado-doo, here are the creme of the crop FTSFWYSIOL award winners: Meat Or Meat-Like Gefilte Fish - Reason award created. Fricasseed Squirrel - Puns is fun. Fricassee anything and it’d make the list. Pineapple Ham Bake - Ham is funny. Spam - Spiced ham. See? Corn Dog - Extra corny and ruff. Turkey Jerky - Hah hah, “jerk”. Fried Flounder - A cooking mistake and “ff” is funny. Haddock - Deliciously amusing fish. Sides Cheese - Classic. Dumplings - Left in the middle of a cute road. Potato Chips and Gravy - When enough is not enough. Pea Soup - Do you prefer green or yellow? Country Bumpkin Pumpkin Curls - Okay, we made this one up. Rhyming’s fun. Creamed Corn - Corn’s funny. ...

When you visit Dollywood in Tennessee stop to look at the doodads and doohickies. With luck you might come across a thin book on how to talk like a real honest-to-goodness Southerner. Amongst cartoon illustrations and a precise pronounciation guide are powerful expressions like:    Slower than a crippled turtle.    Harder than nailing a fresh egg to the wall. Gems! Although it’s well-nigh impossible to create something approaching that magnitude of marvelousness, I cannot resist trying. Here goes...    I hear smoking’s illegal in Tennessee.    They’re changing all the signs to say “Welcome    to the No Smoky Mountains.”    I’m so fat I got to use a two-way mirror.    Them beans is windier than a she-hog in a    tornado.    I’ve got more hollars than sense.    That’s needed like nail polish on...